Fuck me
My sentiments exactly
36 seconds
I can’t believe a thirty-six second video has left me so hot and bothered. I’m sitting here in my endarkened room, curtains drown, lights out staring at the luminescence of my screen.
36 seconds of sexiness.
Porn vids don’t usually do it for me. Sure the guys may be hot and the sex something else but… It wasn’t sex… not really. It was angling your body for a better camera shot. I don’t need to see continuous cumshots or drill poses. I don’t need to see a guy suck a dick as if he’s about to fall of it. A guy hands on the bottom under him as if he isn’t even touching the skin at all. The flickering’s of tongue in a fake kiss…
Don’t even get me started on the facial expressions. It seems so… oh I don’t know…
… uninvolved
I like to see… couples; well I like it more than anything else I can find. Especially when they forget about the camera’s present. The movements of two people that want to touch each other. To be with each other in a most intimate way. Even if you don’t really see anything the movements alone are engaging. When they touch the skin moulds around the fingers, the nails dig… they can leave marks if they want, they don’t care.
It’s in the eyes really.
The look in the eyes, even how they’re screwed shut tells a story. Eyes rolled back zoning out or fluttering in pleasure… How you hardly see the cock of a guy while his man goes down on him. But the thigh spasms and the bobbing of the head can get me hard in a second.
There was a vid I stumbled upon a while ago I’ll never forget. A versatile couple, two beautiful men… I remember watching the then bottom nearing his climax and the look on his face was unbelievably sexy. It was a very venerable masculinity, his eyes were wet but he didn’t cry. It was heart stopping and heart racing all at once…
That’s what’s sex is about. Well that’s what I want it to be about, when have it. I want more than just the moment. I want it to sing through my body for a lifetime…
Yes… well….
I walk over to the window and throw open the curtains. It’s early, very early. Fresh crisp morning air. Wet dew on the lawn.
I haven’t slept. I don’t usually sleep well or at all.
I fix a big breakfast before I head of to work. I’m a big breakfast kind of guy. Big breakfast, light lunch, small dinner.
I work with my dad at his landscaping business. I have since I was fourteen. My dad and I don’t get along well. I moved out the night of my high school graduation. He’s trying to deal. Deal with how I am; the job is his way of watching over me. Making sure I don’t starve. I haven’t been the boss’s son in a long time. I know what I’m doing and I do it well.
I eat my lunch on the hood of my car by the lake. I love the lake.
I’ll maybe dive in for a swim, I’m alone and there is no one around.
I’m always at the lake; it’s the only place I can sleep. At least for a few hours. I camp out there most of the summer. I often I lay on the hood of my car staring up at the night sky and wonder.
Am I happy? Am I content?
I don’t really know.
Most of the time I feel… empty.
I like my solitude but at times it does get lonely
I know love won’t fall in my lap. I know have to get myself seen and heard and… all that jazz…
The Internet can be a scary place at times and bars… just don’t ask. I don’t like crowds; I don’t like loud noisy clubs. More often than not I’ll feel awkward and very uncomfortable and… pressured. I don’t have any gay friends to go with me to places and I won’t go alone. Not since last time…
I like the lake. I like writing, I like my books, I like my guitar…. I’m always at the lake, just me, myself and more often than not a radio for company.
Am I happy?
I don’t know.
Am I content?
Maybe
Another day pretty much the same as the last. Different clients, different route… same work.
Expect at the lake where I can lose myself in the buzzing activity of my mind. Where the world is full of wonder and the heavens as vast as the thoughts are deep. At the lake where I can sleep.
A new day again and it has been the same as any other expect this one ended in tears or rain if you prefer. I’m driving home along a long desolate stretch of concrete and I see a guy walking along the road. Bike in hand and completely drenched by the onslaught of hard unrelenting angel tears. The weight of his wet cloths dragging him down swamping his figure. His hoodie having long lost any pretence of protection.
Should I stop? Should I help? Should I see if he’s all right?
I slow down my approach and with a nerve I didn’t think I had I crank down the passenger window.
“Flat tire?” I ask
The hoods nods and stops walking as I stop my truck.
“Want a lift?”
“You sure?” He yells over the noise of the pelting rain.
“If you’re bike doesn’t mind sharing a bed with a lawnmower.”
I see his shoulder shake but due to the rain I don’t hear the laugh accompanying it.
“My bike doesn’t give a shit and neither do I.” He yells back and quickly lifts his bike into the bed of my truck. He does so with surprising strength in one quick smooth motion.
Once safely crawled onto the front seat, I revv the engine and we’re off.
“Thank man, you have no idea how my cars have passed me by in the last thirty minutes.” He pushes back his hood.
Damn…
“I’d want someone to do the same for me if it was the other way around.”
“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you huh?”
I shrug nodding. Impromptu conversations are a struggle for me.
“That’s a good attitude I like that.” He laughs. It’s sounds… fresh and silky… if that’s possible. It’s nice. There are a lot of nice things about him. He’s shorter than I by almost a head but then again I’m quite tall. He doesn’t seem stocky or skinny… and has what I think is ash brown hair, darker now with the wetness of the rain. His eyes… I can’t really tell much about his eyes, I’m not good at peeking on the sly.
“So where am I going?” Until now I’ve just been driving straight ahead.
“Grayson Road”
“That new place near the water tower?”
“Yeah.”
“Great garden. Who does your work?” I’ve seen it many time of the last several weeks, its very beautiful and well maintained.
“I do.”
“You do?” Really?
“Don’t sound so surprised.” he grins but concentrating on the road I don’t see it.
“I- I’m sorry I didn’t mea-“
“Relax! I’m just kidding. I’ve actually just gotten my degree in Landscape architecture. I’m not kidding its fresh of the press and everything. I’m Derek by the way.”
“Filip.”
He turns to look at me probably for the first time since he stepped into the truck.
“It’s You!” he gasps.
“What?” er… I know this guy do I? I’m sure I would’ve remembered seeing him around.
“The guy at the lake!” he twist his body around looking out through the back window. “Of course! Same truck!”
“Er…?”
“Don’t worry I’m not stalking you or anything like that. I’ve been going there a lot lately, well since I found the place.”
“Oh…”…oh
“It’s a beautiful place and well you’re just always there, parked by the lake.”
“Why haven’t you come up to me?” I say this now but I’m not sure how I would have reacted if he’s just come up to me. Out of the blue. At the lake.
He shrugged. “You seemed really happy by yourself. I didn’t want to intrude.”
Happy?
“Can I switch on the heater? I’m freezing.”
“Sure” I quickly switch it on for him full blast.
I mull over his words while he warms his hands but his body continues to tremble. I don’t get a lot of time to do so I’m in his drive way before I fully realise it.
“Thanks for the ride, you wanna come in?” He’s a perky guy alright.
“Oh I don’t know…”
“You got someone at home waiting for you?”
“No.” I never have someone waiting for me at home, not even a cat.
“Well come on then!” He hops out of the truck before I can object. Quickly hauling his bike from the back and running with it to the porch in-between the raindrops. I don’t know why he bothers; he’s already soaked to the bone.
I look at the drenched seat next to me. In a way that’s what’s makes up my mind. Yesterday this seat had been dry just like any other day, today it wasn’t and tomorrow…
I look up to see him shakes himself like a dog.
Again I don’t know why he bothers. Its not like it will make any difference. But it’s cute all the same. He waves his arm at me urgently. I cut of the engine and am beside him on the porch in a flash
His mom’s in the kitchen making dinner we get a quick introduction of the mom-Filip-Filip-mom variety.
“I’ll be right back, I take a very quick shower!” He promises before disappearing upstairs.
“He’s not lying, he’ll be quick as a whip.” His mom smiles handing me a glass of iced tea. We sit chit chatting idly for a few minutes. Something I’m very bad at but we make do. She’s nice. She doesn’t bombard me with a thousands questions. The lulls of silence between us aren’t awkward. Which is… comfortable.
Derek comes flying down the stairs moments later, smiling brightly.
Damn…
I was right; light ash brown hair, deep brown eyes and a suntanned skin. Just like mine, occupational hazard I guess. He’s wearing a pair of cargo pants and a loose hoodie. I just want to hug him, kiss those lips and snuggle into the comfortable looking body…
I blink. I’m surprised at the thought.
Even more surprised at how I’m physically restraining myself of doing just that.
“So Filip what do you do for fun around here?” he asks pooring himself a glass of iced tea
“Fun?”
“Yeah with your friends?”
I know he means well. I know he’s just trying to find common interests in new acquaintance. It’s not his fault I have no answer to that.
“I don’t really go out much.” Like ever…
“Really?”
“It takes me awhile to open up, most people don’t wait around for that.”
“Really?” seems to be his gimmick word tonight. “You seem open with me.”
“I don’t think I’d have much choice with you, you’re infectious.” I just said that didn’t I? Yeah… I did.
Derek lights up nudging his mom next to him. “You hear that mom! I’m infectious.”
“Don’t make it sound bacterial dear.” She laughs patting his arm getting up to resume dinner. You can tell. You can tell they have a great relationship. It really is nice to see.
Derek carefully reaches across the table for the iced tea jug even though his glass is more than half full.
He offers me more gesturing to my empty one.
I nod I can’t do much else while I stare at what he’s obviously meant for me to see.
I stare at the leather rainbow bracelet on his wrist, the one he wasn’t wearing before. He’s gaging me, seeing how I’ll react or if I’ll react at all.
I freeze; Manny calls it my analysis paralysis. I don’t know what to. I have no clue. I don’t get into these kinds of situations often, or at all to be honest.
What do I do…
My body moves on its own accord as if I’m not even at the helm. I lean in conspiratorially
“Sometimes… I do …”
Derek mimics my posture meeting my in the middle, his eyes shining. “Go on…”
“Sometimes, I do… go to Salazar’s on open mic night.” Well, I’ve been once or twice when Manny drags me along. Manny is one of my few true friends. He got a job with us about two years ago and I was in charge of his training. He’s easy to get along with and a great friend.
“You sing?” Derek brightens up. “I’ve only ever heard you play guitar.”
“You’ve heard me?” er…
“At the lake. Water is an excellent sound conductor you know.”
His mom spins around wide-eyed ladle in hand.
“You’re Lake-Boy!”
“I am?” Lake-Boy? God I’m a side-kick…
“Mom!”
“Oh hush. You’ve been talking about him for weeks!”
Weeks?
I should feel invaded. he’s been invading my private space for god knows how long… but oddly enough I don’t. I’m kind of… relieved. Relieved? Why relieved?
“Mom!” Derek blushes swatting at his mom.
“Staying for dinner?” she asked with a tone that warrants no discussion.
“Sure…”
He’s very engaging and pulls me into conversation over and over again and the next half hour we chat easily. Until the front door slams and someone calls out from the hallway.
“Who’s truck is that outside?”
The shift in mood is palatable. His mom quickly turns her attention back to the food and Derek straightens up. Swiftly hiding his hands in his lap removing the bracelet and stuffing it in his pocket.
“Who’s this?” Demands an older skinny looking guy walking into the kitchen eyeing me suspiciously. Derek stands up quickly.
“Dad, I got a flat and Filip here gave me a ride.” The man gives me a very dismissive once over before passing me by.
“Finally we’re going to be able to start construction on the Lake site soon.” He said sitting down at what I presumed was his accustomed seat at the table.
“What? You bought it? You’re actually going through with it?” Derek slumping in his chair horrified.
“That site is just begging for development, boy. It’s a good opportunity, it could make us a lot of money.”
Boy… it wasn’t said or mean affectionately in anyway.
“Lake site?” While we were talking his mom had quickly set the table and hands each of us a big bowl of spaghetti. Derek’s face a mask of shame as he looks at me.
“You know The Lake…”
“The owners were selling?” … Interesting
“They will once I get a hold of them. Its taken me months just he get their phone number!” The man huffed. I accepted the huge bowl of spaghetti his mother offered me.
“So you don’t have it yet?” Derek perks up
“Just a matter of time.” his dad grumbles.
“Really? How are you so confident?” This really is fascinating.
“Son, there are ways and there are ways. Money will open a lot of doors and knowing the right people even more.” There is a certain glint in the man’s eyes as he grins at me.
Huh…
“So what are you planning to do with the lake once you have it?”
What… it is actually interesting…
“First of all. The west bank needs to be cleared.” he begins
“What! Those are redwoods!” Derek growls out incensed.
“They block the view to the valley boy. The wood is worth a fortune. That alone would pay back the cost of the land.”
I hear the crunch of metal on ceramics as Derek stabs into his spaghetti. He’s concentrating on his food and he’s angry, he’s angry with his father, he’s angry at our conversation and angry at my part in it. It’s charming. It truly is.
“Oh really?” I ask
“Of course. Then cabins right along the east bank.”
“That bank is very rocky, it will be difficult to get permits for them.” Well it would…
“As I said there are ways and there are ways, son.” Son…
For the next 15 minutes this man gives me every detail of his construction plans. The man is pleased and very pleased to tell me about them. Derek is miffed eating his dinner in silence not looking at me at all, not even once. His mother… well his mother is watching me… calculatingly…
“… and a road for better accessibility of course.” He mused.
“Of course.” It made sense.
“What about the lake itself?” I ask laying down my fork, his mom can really cook that was very tasty, fennel goes wonderfully well with pork.
“Stock up, trout is always a good fishermen’s choice.”
“You should be careful with that. Too much can really upset a small ecosystem like that and inspections can be tough.” I remark.
“Again … What’s your name?”
“Filip.”
“Again Filip, pull the right strings and things get done.”
Well I think I’ve heard enough.
“Well Mr… sorry I didn’t actually catch your name.”
“Royer.” Derek informs me, his voice is quiet and hollow. He doesn’t look up.
“Well Mr. Royer I’m pleased you told me of your plans.” This was met with a particularly loud clink of metal to crockery. I have to say I’m finding this passives aggressiveness of his very endearing.
“Very pleased in fact it has no chance in hell of ever getting realized. The Frederickson family has own that property for well over a hundred years, they’re not going to sell.”
Mr. Royer’s eyes shoot daggers at me. Derek has a look of relieved surprise and his mother… well… she’s smirking isn’t she.
“Everyone has their price boy.” Ah I see I’ve just slipped from son to boy. I don’t particularly mind being in Derek’s category.
“I don’t think so Mr. Royer some things just aren’t about money.” Mr. Royer looks as if I’d just personally affronted his entire belief system. Which is probably precisely what I’d done. I hand my empty plate to Mrs. Royer.
“I should get going. Dinner was delicious. Thank you for having me.”
“Pleasure was all mine Filip.” She grins in exactly the same way as Derek does. Or is that the other way around?
Derek almost knocks the chair back in his haste to stand up.
“I’ll walk you out!”
I linger on the porch a minute. “It’s still raining.” It was still pouring to be precise.
“Are you sure these Frederickson’s won’t sell?”
“Trust me Derek.” Derek… I really like how his name rolls over my tongue. Derek, Derek Royer
“Good.” He grinned. “Will you have dinner with me?”
Ok this stuns me. He’s asking me out? Really? What do I say? How do I react?
Shit.
“Dinner?”
“er.. Yeah, Friday good?” he’s tugging at his hoodie as he watches me
“Tomorrow Friday?” …
“… Or next?… Friday?” he said apprehensively. He’s nervous, probably just as much as I am.
“No tomorrow’s good.”
“Great! I’ll … meet you at the lake… say at eight?”
“I’ll be there.” I would’ve probably been there anyway.
We hesitate parting, the rain still hasn’t let up and it’ll be getting dark soon.
“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?” He said as I made to step off the porch after a while of silence.
I nod smiling before dashing off to my truck trying to skip in between the rain.
Derek dawdles on the porch as I drive off. I look at the still wet seat next to me. Yesterday this seat was dry, today it isn’t and tomorrow… well lets just wait and see shall we?
—
I’m at the warehouse today unloading the truck cleaning it out for the weekend, my Friday ritual. I don’t work Saturdays thank god.
I have a date tonight.
A date
An actual date.
I’m smiling; I can feel the strain in my cheeks. I wonder where he’s going to take me … I hope… not somewhere very busy.
I’m nervous enough as it is.
“Filip!” Dads in the doorway of his office beaconing me. This is new. It’s not that we ignore each other or don’t talk; it just doesn’t happen that often.
“Dad?” He’s pouring over a pile of scattered sketches on his desk.
“What do you think?” He gestured to the papers taking his seat.
I take my time to scan the designs in front of me.
“Their good.” They were I wouldn’t have said so otherwise.
“This guy came in a few days ago with a collaboration proposal. Could open us up to a whole new clientele base…” He’s staring at the papers scratching his beard
“But?”
“Fresh out of college, no experience. I don’t know…” Dad muses tapping his jaw thoughtfully.
“Probably why he came to us, we’re pretty established. A fresh view with experience to balance him out. Could be good”
Actually it could be very good; we’re rather set in our ways and have been for years. It serves is us well but that isn’t going to last another 20 years as it has for the previous 20.
“That’s what he said…”
“You’re not sure?”
“On paper it looks really good. There is a lot of potential there Filip. He had a lot of good ideas, couldn’t get him to shut up.” Dad likes him. There is that ghost of a smile in the corner of his mouth.
I continue to work my way through the designs they all have the mark of a very subtle hand.
“You think he’s too extravagant for us? Some are very elaborate.” I spy a small sketch almost at the bottom of the pile and pull it out. “This one though doesn’t look ostentatious at all.”
It was a simple design; a small green lawn encased but not enclosed by different types of perennial plants. A garden you could enjoy the year through having a wide variety of blooming times.
Harmonious in its simplicity. It was beautiful, just like him.
“He said you don’t have to be rich to have a nice garden…” Again that ghost a smile. Dad’s intrigued but hesitating.
The corner of a sketch pops out to me. I gently slide it from under the pile.
“Would it help if you saw an actual example?” Sketches are fine things but their just sketches. I place the design in front of Dad on top of all the other.
“You know that new place near the water tower?”
“Yeah the one with the gre-” He stares down at the design and reaches across the desk for pen and paper. “I think I have a call to make.” He doesn’t look up trying to locate a stray pencil stub. “Thanks Filip.”
“Any time Dad, I’m glad you asked.” I am, him asking for my advice… makes me really happy.
“You’ve always had a good eye.” Dad says absentmindedly phone in hand just as I’m about to walk out of the office.
I freeze.
A compliment.
My dad just gave me a compliment.
This is turning out to be a very good day indeed.
— Derek
I can’t help but watch him. Stare at him as he lies on the hood of his truck staring up at the evening sky. I’ve seen this pose countless times.
But today is different.
Today I don’t just have to watch from afar.
Today I get to go up to him.
I get to share his little world here at the Lake.
Today I’m expected!
I’m nervous. I grip the handle of my basket a little tighter. Come on Derek don’t be a sissy, you’re going on a date with your future husband.
I take a deep breath and make my way over to Filip’s truck. It’s not eight yet but I was too excited to wait any longer.
“Hi”
“Hi” He smiles jumping down. He’s dressed nice made a bit of an effort. Mostly I’ve seen him in work clothes or in sweats or … shirtless…
After a small awkward silence, he thrusts his hands in his pockets.
“So where are we going?” He asks
“Here.”
“Here?” The confused look is cute on him.
“Yeah.. I – er… thought we could just stay here and talk.” I hold up to show my stuffed picnic basket. His body visibly relaxes, he smiles at my happily. He steps around the truck to the back lowering the tailgate.
“We could use the truck bed if you want?” He gestures.
I hesitate. I had envisioned sitting closer by the water, on the ground at the very least. I take a look at the truck bed and don’t find what I’m expecting. Instead of a dirty work surface, I find it spotless with a thick mat covering the metal bedding.
Looking up I see what this gesture actually means.
He’s inviting me in.
Not just to share his little world with him but to be a part of it.
Without further a do I climb up into the long spacious truck bed and spread out the checkered blanket I’d packed. I shuck off my shoes to get more comfortable.
— Filip
I don’t think he could have picked a better spot for our first date. A picnic at the lake is almost a clairvoyant choice.
I settle down and shuck my shoes as Derek unpacks his basket.
I watch his body move around. He’s dressed comfortably, his body looks warm and cosy and snug.
Out of blue his scent wafts over to me, like a wave. The hair on the back of my neck rises. I close my eyes enjoying the moment. I can’t really describe it.
I have no reference for even fragments of his scent. But behind the closed lids of my eyes I see swirls and spirals dance around. It’s exhilaratingly restful.
“So how was your day?”
He turns offering me a drink a great big grin plastered on his face. “Great! I got a job!”
“Congratulations. Where?” As if I don’t know.
“An local landscaping business. They have a good reputation around here. So I thought I’d take a chance. I just hope I didn’t bully the guy into hiring me. I mean I was thinking about it last night. I don’t want to be like my dad and he’s a bit of a bully.”
“A bit?”
“Yeah… but now I have a job I can look for a place of my own soon. I mean if it hadn’t been for my mom he’d have kicked me out years ago. He can’t really accept… you know…” Yes I know…
He peeks up as me a little ashamed and somehow a little embarrassed.
My dad isn’t really good with it but at least he’s trying. He’s dealing in his own way. He never dropped me from his life or kicked me out. I think my dad just didn’t really know what to do.
“My dad isn’t easily impressed or bullied, don’t worry.”
Derek’s face drains as my words sink in.
“… Not.. Filip Dugardin?”
“Yup”
Derek leans over the side of the truck checking the paintwork. I have no logo on my truck like the other trucks of the company do. I use my personal vehicle for work, it’s easier.
“I honestly didn’t know. I… I” Is that panic I hear?
I hold up my hands. “I know. Don’t worry you got the job all on your own. I had no say in the matter. He doesn’t know we know each other.”
“So…” He grins. “we’ll be working together?” I have to say I like that grin of his.
“Yeah well I’m not at the office much but …I’ll be around.”
“Good.”
We eat.
We talk. We drink the wine he brought.
Our talk deepens quickly. It’s my way of connecting with him. How’s his life has been until now? How he really feels about his father…. How he is so close to his mother… How he came out. What his dreams and hopes are. About the satisfaction he get from his job … The joy in creating something beautiful.
I sit enraptured as he talks, watching him use his entire body as he speaks.
It’s fascinating.
— Derek
We talk through the sunset. The lake is a pretty picture of tangerine… tangerine, living reflections of a dream… I’m not dreaming though. Not this time.
“I’m glad my dad won’t get his place.”
“Yes, the cabins, the road, the chopping of the trees…it was scary. There is only once place you can build here.”
Hmm… I wonder… “It’s here isn’t it? Where you always park your truck?”
“What?”
“This exact spot…” I move around the truck bed making the vehicle jumble a little. “Right here.”
“Perfect place for a house” he smiles.
“A house?”
“Yeah.”
“Describe it for me?” Come on paint me a picture of your mind.
“One story, not rectangular but more an elongated S shape following the curve of the embankment just here.”he waves his hand through the air shaping his thoughts “An open deck porch right here.”
I picture is in my mind, the house, the deck, the lake… “With large windows facing south overlooking the lake…”
“Exactly!” Filip grinned detailing every room, every bolt and beam of his dream home. It constructed itself right before my eyes as he explained the plans. It was perfect, in balance with its surroundings. It would be one hell of a beautiful home.
“What about the landscaping around the house?”
Filip turns to me, “What would you do?”
“Honestly?” He nods eager for my answer. “Not a damn thing. It’s beautiful the way it is, there wouldn’t be a need to sculpt the green. Although I’d probably add a cherry or magnolia tree somewhere.”
“Why?”
“Personal weakness of mine.” I wasn’t lying they are a weakness of mine; I don’t have a fully detailed depiction of my future house. Or even a garden design or anything like that. All I see and all I want is my home to have one of those trees.
We continue to talk about whatever comes to our minds. We talk through the night laying down looking up at the sky. An island of camping lights in an ocean of darkness. We talk until the sky brightens once again.
Filip’s been quiet for a while and I turn on my side to face him.
He’s asleep.
I cover him with a discarded blanket. He doesn’t wake he’s fast out.
I reach over and play with a stray lock of hair. It rolls softly between my fingers
Jet-black messy waves, he’s tall but not in a lanky way, he’s sturdy on his feet. His eyes… shit I don’t know the colour his eyes … I’ve been staring at them yesterday and all through the night. What colour are they? Brown? Light? Dark? Hazel? Blue? Green? I don’t know. I’ll have to wait until he wakes up.
Not that it matters…
He showed me so much of himself tonight. He’s funny, catching me off guard with some serious dry humour many times; he’s sweet, smart and caring.
I wouldn’t change a thing about him. He’s perfect just the way he is.
— Filip
The brittle morning light prickles my eyelids. I feel the familiar truck bed under me and smell the familiar fragrances of the lake and the woods around me. I open my eyes and see the unfamiliar sight of Derek sleeping in the truck bed beside me. We’re a foot or more apart, he’s facing me lying on his side mirroring my exact position.
You’d think he’d have this angelic peaceful sleeping face. He doesn’t its actually a little funny, if not extremely adorable. He’s mouth slightly open and he’s drooling onto his folder arm propping up his head.
His other hand lays strewn between us. I reach over and gently touch his fingers. They’re long and thin and little rough. Occupational hazard I guess.
I ever so gently turn his hand palm side up. He doesn’t stir.
I trace the lines of his hand. They haven’t hardened yet, not completely. There is still so much soft skin…
I won’t deny he’s attractive. I find him very attractive in the truest sense of the word. He attracts me to him, pulling me in holding me still and guiding me into and orbit round him.
Suddenly his hand closes around mine. My eyes snap up to his now open ones.
They’re relaxed and still a little sleepy. A lazy smile and his eyes close again, drifting off keeping a hold of my hand.
Hours later I wake up again the sun is high up in the sky. I’m surprized its noon or maybe even a little later I don’t have watch with me.
“Hey sleep well?” He’s still here. He stayed
“I did.” That was a bit of an understatement I slept really well. “…and longer than I thought I would. What’s the time?”
“Past noon.”
“Really?”
I sit up and notice Derek still holding my hand, his copies my movement and stretches out.
“Thanks for last night I had a really great time.”
I squeeze his hand in answer and get a nice smile in return.
He stares out in front of him for a while.
“Urg I should get home.” He grunts moving to climb off the truck. I move with him as not to let go of his hand. I don’t know why I do this, seems such a childish thing to do… but I really didn’t want to let go.
Ever again
… did I really just think that? I guess I did…
He quickly packs up his stuff and hops into the truck. I’m a little slower than him today but then again what did you expect.
Once one the road he quickly slides his hand back into him. He’s leaning against the passenger door watching the trees zip passed, his thumb rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hand. Each stroke heating the skin. Each stroke warming me up inside.
“I had a really great time last night.” He says almost absentmindedly.
I squeeze his hand and see his cheeks lift out of the corner of my eye.
He’s smiling.
A few hours later I’m back at the lake. This time packed with my usual weekend paraphernalia; my guitar, my food, my clothes… my books and anything else I would use at home. This truck of mine really is more of a mobile apartment. The skies are clear and I’m hoping it will last till Sunday. I still have to pick up the truck bed tent. I’ve had it repaired after some damaged it sustained last fall it should be done soon. So I’m still as yet unprepared for rain and the odd colder nights. My sleeping back will do just well for the time being.
— Derek
I can’t help but watch him.
My weekend has been exhausting, dad can be a slave driving machine when he want to be. These last few years that’s all he’s wanted to be.
“Pay off you’re debt boy.” I hate it when he calls me boy.
My debt. My debt is his illusion. Yet as long as I’m living under his roof I have to abide by his rigorous rules.
He’s a douche. I hate saying this about my own father, he’s my father… but dad’s a douche.
I can’t help but watch him.
He’s propped up stretched out on his truck bed strumming his guitar. The chords and notes are clear as glass drifting across the water.
Friday I’d been invited into his little world. Now I have an open initiation.
I don’t have a lot of time today I just wanted to seem him. Having no other means of getting in touch with him, not yet. That’s why I’m here in the first place.
I walk up to him and he’s seems genuinely pleased to see me. Man every time I see that smile especially when it’s directed towards me, a little piece inside of me liquefies; I’m going to be one big sloppy mess soon if this keeps up.
He’s response to my demand for his cell number is a little odd. But I was expecting that. He hands it over without question though but with a warning.
He’s terrible with phones; texting is the best way to go.
He probably never charges the thing, leaves it off more than on and doesn’t pick up even if it does ring. If it weren’t for work he wouldn’t even have one at all.
Don’t worry I know.
At least I know where I can find him. He’s always at the lake, expect when it rains. Then he’s in the small studio apartment he told me about. I don’t know why he’s in a ratty little place on Main Street but he seems to deem it good enough. It’s not like he’s there much anyway. It’s low-cost and that’s what I need right now, were his exact words.
I wonder why?
— Filip
It’s noon and I’m heading to the warehouse for lunch. I hardly ever do this, I mostly have my lunch at the lake and it’s been a while since I’ve seen the others.
But today isn’t just like any other day. Today Derek’s here. Dad wanted him to start immediately. No need for dillydallying if he’s available. Derek was ecstatic.
I walk into our canteen/locker room/what-ever-we-need-it-to-be-room. I’m immediately greeted by Manny’s magnanimous moustache.
“Well look what the cat dragged in!”
“Hey Manny.” Manny’s one of natures huggers I’ve learned to follow suit when around him. I nod to several other co-workers present. They nod back. Like I said I don’t get here much. I think they think I don’t like them very much. Which isn’t true at all. I’m just… not often around.
“We have an new employee you seen him?”
“Yeah I..-
“You seen that bracelet he wearing?” Jonathon cuts in from across our table. Now in Jonathon’s case he’d be right in thinking I don’t like him much. Cause I don’t. Jonathon is one of those people that says something while their body language tells you a very different story. Mostly an unpleasant one.
“What of it?” Manny asks his tone cautious…. or if you really know Manny… crouching.
“My Miranda says that means he’s like gay or something.”
“Would it matter?”
“Oh it matters! I don’t want to work with no gay guy. I’d be awkward as hell. I mean- he leans over the table and whispers exceptionally loudly – wouldn’t he try checking out ass?”
… “You’ve done well with me so far for the past 2 years.” I point out.
“And I haven’t seen him check your fat ass out once!” Manny rumbles, he’s laughing but he really isn’t laughing at all.
“You knew?”
“Of course I know, everyone knows.” Jonathon looks around the room, the others employee just shrug. Nobody cares.
I think that’s enough socializing for one lunch I move to leave the room turning to Manny. “Dinner Wednesday?”
“Sure man, just text time and place.”
I’m almost at the door when I hear Jonathon’s shocked voice. “You’re gay too?”
“Does it matter?” Manny answer pointedly. Crouching tiger that’s Manny.
I find Derek just outside the door leaning against the wall eavesdropping. I haven’t seen him yet today, lunch just became a whole lot better.
“Is Manny gay?” He asks me skeptically.
“Not a chance.” I laugh. “He’s just making a point.”
“I think I like this Manny.” He grins eyes flashing.
“Yeah Manny’s great.” You know I really like being taller than him, looking down at him as he looks up at me…
I end up eating lunch with Dad and Derek in the office. I’m not shocked they’re getting along well, though I am very pleased about it. I knew they’d get each other. Derek’s talking a mile a minute and Dad’s not far behind.
Derek’s slows his pace catching my eye. He seems to understand me more than others do. He gives me time to process the conversation, to formulate answers. I’m a slow digester; I’m a cow that re-chews its food for thought five times over before arrived at a satisfactory synopsis. Then when I do talk, there is no chitchat, there are no euphuisms in my speech, nothing hidden. I have no bush to beat about.
Derek seems to get that… how?
Dad was more than a little surprised I seemed to know Derek.
I know what he’s thinking.
He’s asking himself why I didn’t tell him I knew who made those designs.
He’s asking himself how I know Derek at all.
He’s asking himself why he hadn’t notice the bracelet Derek’s wearing and why he is wearing it so publicly…
Why didn’t I put in a good word for Derek when I had the chance… Did Derek know he was my father before he applied or presented himself for a job that until last week didn’t even exist at the company at all?
He’s asking himself what other things doesn’t he know about me. About Derek.
He’s asking himself whether that really matters…
He won’t ask me these questions; he’ll never speak of them.
Well not outright… I’d answer if he’d ask.
I’d say: Dad you wouldn’t have respected Derek if he dropped my name during your interview. You wouldn’t have hired him if I’d said I knew him the other day. Not because he isn’t good and not because I know him or he knows me. But because you wouldn’t be able to trust your own judgement anymore. Did you hire him for me? Because of me? Or maybe despite of me?
Dad I know how you think, I always know what you think. Your eyes speak volumes and I’ve learned their language long ago.
Dad, I’d say, I didn’t want you to feel conflicted by imagined social obligations or parental pressure. I wanted you to trust your gut. Like you always do.
Dad, I’d say, I love you dad.
—
–Day after tomorrow, 18h, Marcuccio’s?–
–Works. Mari’s have a girl night too.–
–You mind if bring someone?–
–YOU want to BRING SOMEONE!! ^^–
–If that’s ok…–
–Hell Yes, who is it? Who? WHO!?–
–Calm down I still have to ask him–
–… no way… it’s him isn’t it? —
Manny doesn’t miss much, he’s more observant than I give him credit for.
-Hey you want to join Manny and me for dinner Wednesday?–
–YES-
— I’d pick you up at 17.30. That work?–
–Yes!-
–You had a good first day today?-
–The best… thanks Filip-
–What for? I didn’t do anything?”
–For I know now, everything I guess …. I wish I was at the lake with you right now.-
I stare down at my phone… he just stole my line…
— Derek
“MOM!” I thunder down the stairs, I can thunder tonight Dad’s not in. “He asked me out to dinner!” I find her in the couch setting up to watch something.
“That’s great sweetie! He must be real comfortable with you. Just remember…” she smiled giving me a thumbs up – a thumbs up really?… God I love this woman.
“Yes yes I know. Take it slow…” I sigh dramatically. “We’ve only held hands. Hands! I haven’t just held hand’s on a first date since I was sixteen!”
“Derek!”
“Sorry mom.” I spin around casting my arms in the air theatrically. “No not sorry! All I want to do is kiss him and hug him and squeeze him and do…-“
“Derek!”
I giggle slumping on the sofa beside her. “…all that jazz.”
“I know it’s hard for you to hold back but…”
“It’ll be worth it… don’t worry mom I know…” I fill in steeling a bit of her popcorn.
“What you watching?”
“Kinky boots.” She grins grabbing the zapper pressing play.
“I’ve ruined you, you know.”
“Yes I know dear. Isn’t it grand?”
— Filip
In the car to Marcuccio’s Derek slips his hand in mine again. There is no thought to it, it’s just that… that’s the place where it belongs. His thumb rubbing soothing circles on the back of my hand. Each stroke heating the skin. Each stroke warming me up inside.
I could get used to this.
Manny’s already waiting at our accustomed table by the window. Out of the way and quiet, he knows me well. So does this restaurant, good food no inane chatter with waiters, though they probably are very nice people.
Derek seems to have a knack of getting along with perfect strangers. Not an hour into our meal, he and Manny are chatting like life long old chums.
It’s a knack I lack. I need to… vet a new person before letting them in. Expect Derek he seemed to barge through the door uninvited… but not unwelcome in his case.
I watch him during dinner, how he talks, how he smiles, how he interact with everyone in the room, Manny, the servers even the restaurant owners when they came by our table. Which is new and something they’ve never done before.
He’s my exact opposite. He’s outgoing, engaging, lively, social and to a certain degree vivacious. Such people are exhausting to be around.
Well… that’s always been my response to people like him.
Not to Derek though. I want to be around him every second I can, no matter how tired I get.
“Filip!” Manny hisses across the table when Derek vanishes off to the mensroom. “Don’t let this one get away man. I mean…” He gives me the pointed he’s-perfect-for-you look
“I know. I’m not planning to, I just hope..-” …he’s still here when I get where we’re going.
“He’ll wait. He knows what to do, how to be around you. If I didn’t know any better I’d say he’s been coached.”
“Maybe…” I mutter under my breath.
I get a confused raised brow for my mumbled admission.
“His mom and I are similar in a way.”
“Good!”
“Good?”
“Yes.” He winks as Derek reappears.
“What did I miss?”
“I was saying it’s been a long time since I’ve been to Salazar’s” Manny quipped sipping his drink.
“You go to Salazar’s?” he asks highly amused if not mockingly.
“I sometimes get the privilege to drag bad boy over here to open mic night.”
“You’re thinking of going tomorrow?” he perks up like a pepped up puppy. “Open Mic night is on Thursdays right?”
“er…” Shit. It is on Thursdays… but er…
“Or..-” He’s about the back paddle and… urg… damn…
“Next week.” I blurt out, yes it is blurting, this really constitutes as blurting cause I have to think a second about what it exactly is I’m blurting out.
“Next week Thursday?”
I don’t get an answer just a shiny happy face. He knows what I’m doing and I’m glad he does…
— Derek
I can’t help but watch him. Damn I need to stop doing this I feel like a creep as it is. But I can’t help it.
It’s early in the morning, very early. It’s light out but the sun hasn’t risen yet, it won’t for a while. Today is Sunday and I’m obligation free.
In a way I’m glad I’ve been kept busy, saved me for running over and jumping him every chance I got. I’ve been everywhere around him this week so he needed a little quiet time on the down low. My mom calls it sanctum time.
Man I don’t get that; I rejuvenate when I’m around people. Like a succubus feeding of peoples energy… ha! Succubus I should write that down…
Even though I don’t fully understand being I’m wired differently. I do know how to handle it. I just pray I’m doing a good job. Which is odd cause I’m not religious at all.
I hope my pace isn’t too fast for him. He really surprized me during our midnight talks last week. He’s completely inexperienced…
How is that even possible?
He’s 26 and never been kissed…
Never been held close or touched…
Not of lack of opportunity…
I’m in every way his opposite.
Temperature dropped quite sudden during the night and I knew he was out here. He always is. I make my way over to his truck where I find him curled up in a sleeping bag in the truck bed. There is an extra blanket over him but he’s still cold, all curled up and tense even in sleep.
Dragging the thick quilt all the way here had been a good idea after all.
By the way…
… his eyes are golden brown – texture like sun…
— Filip
Not was I was expecting.
Going to sleep in an empty truck bed with just my sleeping bag and blanket… Waking up lazily in the warmth of a heavy quilt and a sleeping man next to me… was not what I was expecting.
He’s back to me and there’s about a foot between just like last time.
Yeah… man that cheek-hurting smile it back… just like last time…
After an hour or so running every scenario I could think of about why he was here…
Stop
Just enjoy the moment…
I gently zip out of my sleeping back, too toasty for comfort now anyway. The big quilt covers us both creating a little tent to slid under. Very slowly I inch forward; I could never have imagined a slow creep of not even a foot of space could take so long. So very long…
I’m an inch away,
My body’s curved mimicking Derek’s position but I’m yet to touch him.
Is this alright? How will he react? How will I react when he reacts. How will he react to my reaction of his reaction…. Thoughts swirling in my head bouncing of the wall like a very badly played squash game and the referee is missing.
Stop
Enjoy the moment.
I close the small breath of space and spoon up to him. Placing my arm slowly over his stomach, I come to a halt. He’s still asleep so I slowly relax, breath normally and quieten my racing heart.
The second he stirs I’m poised to jump away like a scalded cat. But all he does is take my hand in his, like so many times before and hold it tight pressing our joint fingers into his chest. His cheeks lift, he’s smiling, eyes closed.
SNAP
It’s the sound of my restraints breaking.I don’t feel empty anymore.
I snuggle into his warm body…
Damned be the world I want this one.
— Derek
My dreams can be so vivid, so real and so very graphic at times. This dream right now in particular is a good one. Arms around me… body spooning me… hot breath in my neck.
Mmmm. Though in my dreams I’m mostly not bothered by the discomfort of sleeping in jeans…
“Morning…”
OH THANK GOD!
— Filip
Without replying or saying anything at all Derek turns in my arms and nuzzling his nose into the crease of my neck. Pulling me close.
I can’t really see his face like this but I can smell his hair, feel this skin against mine. His lips resting against the base of my throat.
For the first time in my life I enjoy the closeness I’ve always wanted. Holding a man close, having the hug returned. Right now just this is already so much.
— F/D?
Lunching together, spending time together anyway we can. Even if its just sitting by lake. Both of us absorbed in our own activities … sharing the same space.
Watching each other.
Catching the other’s eyes looking at you as you look at him.
His head in my lap, mine in his. My arm around him, his around me
Sharing a warm comfortable space and place.
I want to kiss him.
— Derek
Thursday night.
Open Mic night.
He’s nervous. It’s not a stealthy observation, its really obvious.
I feel just as anxious as he seems to be waiting. Manny says he does great on stage; I can’t wait to see that side of him.
Salazar’s is one of those dark smoky places minus the smoke. The ambiance is soothing and the audience passionate. He hasn’t told me the song he’ll be playing; I only know it’s a cover. I think it’ll take me a while longer before I get to hear one of his. I wonder what he sounds like, from the inside… What’s his sound?
Manny and Mari are with me at our table, so I’m not alone. Those two are extremely cute together. I was surprised to learn Filip was the one that introduced them. She’s a high school friend, a little on the quiet side but opening up to me quite quickly. Their a great fit, Filips seems to have a good eye for that sort of thing… who knew?
“I can’t believe you got him here tonight!” Mari leans over to me. Her long dark waves cascading off her shoulder as he moves.
“I didn’t do anything?”
“Man you didn’t need to.” Manny sips his beer watching the still empty podium.
Everyone is still recuperating form a particularly dreadful duet. Poor boys. Though they’d been fun to watch.
“I thought it’d take him much longer after what happened last time.” Mari states catching my attention instantaneously. What
“Why? What happened?”
“Someone seemed to think he was fair game. You know Filip a little by now he’s not one to be up for grabs.” Manny grimaced.
“What!- Did he get hurt?”
“No, he can handle himself it just really shook him.” Manny assured me.
“Kicked the sod right in the goolies.” Mari smirked to which I couldn’t help but blurt out a giggle. Goolies?
“Oh man that’s precious.” I smile drinking my own beer but… I can’t imagine how much it must have frightened him. Someone invading is space, up close and personal, a complete stranger…
“Derek.” Mari whispers leaning in again away from Manny’s interested ears. “I better be a groomsmaid.”
“Deal.”
The small podium light’s ups as its surroundings dim. We hush. Filip’s introduced and takes his place on the stool behind the mic. His movements are methodical, he knows what to do, his guitar is tuned and he has a clear battle plan.
He looks remarkably handsome in the limelight. His black clothes make him stand out even more… You can see his golden browns from halfway across the room.
“Tonight I’m bringing you an old favourite.” He doesn’t rush his words eyes locked on mine. In a second we’re the only two people in the bar. “My mother used to… sing this to me. She wasn’t much of a singer but with some songs that doesn’t really matter. So this is for her and you.”
Me.
For me!
His foot starts tapping a steady simple rhythm like the catch of record player.
Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap.
His fingers start strumming the guitar strings, creating a simple beautiful melody. Sweet soft smooth notes drifted from the podium as the chords change every second or so.
All while he keeps tapping.
Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap
The room quietens down to a deep silence as Filip starts to sing.
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly…
– I feel the wooden chair pressing into my back but all I see is the man on the small podium.
All your life…
You were only waiting for this moment to arise…
Closed eyes, a voice that flips the goose bump pump switch, raspy and tenory clear all at once. So uniquely… Filip.
Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see.
All you life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.
Blackbird fly… Blackbird fly….
Into the light (chills at the inflection in his voice) of the dark black night.
Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap
He sings the remainder of the song and I just sit there, listening transfixed. The soul, the feeling… the quiet emotion leaking out of his words huddled the room. Transporting everyone in it to that little private world of his. I was so wrong. I can hear his sound through the song. With how the makes it his own, how he uses his voice…
I can hear his sound and it’s stunning.
Does this man have any idea just how sexy he is?
Damn do I want to kiss him! I want to kiss him bad. Just run up to him right now and…
Applause, the people love him. Heck… I probably do too.
I can’t help but watch him. My eyes haven’t left him since he stepped into the light. He walks over to me eyes locked once again.
I’ve stood up and I don’t know why I’m standing but I am.
He’s just a few feet away. “That was bea-“
I don’t get any further you know why?
CAUSE HE’S KISSING ME THAT’S WHY!
KISSING ME!!
Several parts of my brain burst into overdrive. One is jubilant jumping around screaming at the top of its imaginary lungs ‘YES!’
Another is stunned, paralysing my thought process shocked at the suddenness of this unforeseen attack.
But of course there is also a part of my brain registering. The feel of his lips, his arm around my waist pressing my into his chest..
The stunned parts kicks into action and my hands slide up holding his head, tongue slipping into his mouth.
It wasn’t a smooth kiss, we knocked teeth once or twice But shit I don’t care I’m kissing the guy I’ve been wanting to for two weeks now!
Doesn’t sound like an eternity … but to me it is!
— Filip
It’s night-time.
I’m at the lake… where else would I be?
I’m counting stars. I miss Orion during this time of the year. I’ve always felt connected to humanity when I see the Orion constellation. People from all times back to the stone ages and through the dark ages have looked up to that constellation. Depicted it and worshiped it. Pity you can only see it in wintertime.
The most spectacular thing about Orion is its belt, those three small stars in its centre. Why? The Orion nebula that’s why. The creation of planets and stars right before our eyes. Though it has no coffee inside.
I never feel alone when I see Orion.
Derek’s at home… I miss him… I doesn’t feel right when he’s not around.
Before I’m very well aware of it I’m in the driver seat revving the engine. I’m at Derek’s road as a frantic car emerges from his driveway, speeding off in the opposite direction.
At I’m greeted by a red faced angry eyed bat wheeling women at the door
“I TOLD YOU TO G-” her stance softened at the sight of me, the anger in her eyes evaporates. “Oh Filip thank god you’re here.” She breathes lowering her bat.
“What’s wrong?” What the flip? She ushers me in directing me to living room.
Where the sight of Derek chokes me up. Not in lust or love or soft emotion as usual but because of the busted lip he’s sporting.
In a second I have him in my arms and clinging to me. He’s not crying, just clinging to me, burring his face in my shoulder. He pushes me into the couch, which I clumsily fall into and curls up in my lap.
‘What happened?’ I mouth to his mother. She give me as sad sullen sigh.
“Thomas -“
“Who?”
“My dad.” Derek croaks, his voice is hollow and frightening me.
“There was an argument… Thomas lost it…” I don’t even want to imagine what losing it really means.
“About what?”
“Me.” Derek mumbles.
I look back to his mother, my eyes urging her to explain. Why would he do this to his own son? Why would he ever touch him like this? My blood boils as I notice his torn shirt.
“There has been tension for years but he’s never touched him before. Not like this.” Suddenly the fire in her eyes blaze bright. “No one touches my baby!”
Hmm… “So it wasn’t about Derek at all.”
“It never is, not really. One day his fixation just zeroed in on Derek and he’s been the black sheep ever since. He wasn’t always like this you know. Over the years he became more and more disillusioned with life I think. Nothing we did ever helped”
“I made everything worse by coming out when I was fifteen.” His voice was muffled by the fabric of my clothes. His mom dropped the bat with a loud thud and rushed towards him.
“Derek! You’re not at fault you know that!”
Derek didn’t answer just slumped back into my chest, hiding his face from me. Wanting me near yet equally ashamed of the situation.
“No I was kind of pushing his buttons. He pushes mine every chance he gets I just wanted give him some of his own medicine. I guess it backfired.”
He’s making excuses and it breaks my heart to hear them.
“Where is your first aid kit?” I ask it’s a bad cut and it’s bleeding, it could need stitches. His mom tells me which cabinet in the bathroom I can find it and I reluctantly let Derek go to retrieve it.
“When will he be back?” I hear Derek ask before I inter the room.
“Not tonight. I’m not sure I want him to at all.” I agree with his mom, if he so much as lays another finger on him I’ll break it.
“No mom. Don’t quite on him.” Derek’s plea stops me in my tracks.
“But what he did to you!”
Derek sighs heavily, his shoulders drooping. “Yes he’s a jerk and a complete ass… but…You can’t give up on him mom. You love him.”
Where is this coming from?
“But you’re my baby.” Her voice cracks you can hear the tears in her words.
“He needs help not abandonment. He was a great father once and a good husband. I bet during the years I was at college it was going really good between you two.”
“But you’re my baby and he hurt you.” She sobs. She wants to protect her son but she also feels loyal to her husband. She’s torn because of Derek’s words. These emotions are raging a war inside of her.
Why is Derek doing this isn’t he mad?
“He’s lost his way. Like Nanna always said when something is broken we fix it. Did you see his face when you threatened him with that bat? If anything mom I know he loves you to death. He may not be afraid of losing me but you’re a whole different story.”
“I won’t have him hurt you again. I should kick him out for good for this. It isn’t right!”
“Let’s give it some time. Lay down some ground rules and conditions and see where that takes us.”
“How can you be so forgiving?”
“I saw the look in his eyes after he knocked me down mom. It wasn’t one of rage. He seemed almost frightened of himself. I saw my old dad there. So I know he’s still in there we just have to get him back.”
I return with the first aid kit.
I mull over Derek’s words.
I need to think about this.
—
Though things did change in their house after the busted lip incident. It was a slow process, which started with anger management and counseling sessions. He needed to go through with them or his mom threatened to shut the door for good.
Derek arrived at work the following Monday with a stitched up lip.
Dad lectured me on the need to protect those in our lives for over an hour. I was so stunned by his emotional outburst I could only sit there and nod. He’s grown really fond of Derek in a very short time but this was something different. This wasn’t just concern for an employee. This wasn’t just concern for his sons boyfriend… it was more, it was… fatherly.
My dad sees him as a second son.
Derek spends more and more time with me at the Lake. For the first time ever I regretted living in a small handkerchief sized studio, where I can barely turn a full circle without bumping into something.
So I did the next best thing.
I don’t necessarily need to use my truck for work dad has a spare anyway. So I upgraded the truck tent and parked at the lake. It kind of became a home for us. With all the outdoor space we’d ever need.
Derek’s a people person. So happy when around friends and bubbly afterwards
So some days I’d force him to go out, meet up with his friends or even have them come to the lake. He told me it wasn’t necessary but it was.
I want him to be happy. His friends were pretty awesome. They loved the lake and arranged an impromptu cookout right there by the water. I let Derek just run wild with it he seemed to know what to do and only happy to do it.
Whatever floats his boat.
He called Manny and Mari so by the end of the night there were seven of us. I wasn’t as on edge as I thought I would be.
Maybe cause they weren’t all strangers to me. Maybe cause we were at the lake my slice of heaven in this world… maybe just because Derek was there… Whatever the reason I remember watching him that night. Watching him smile and being happy.
I’ve learned a lot about myself these passed weeks. I’ve discovered I love the fact I can touch him whenever I want. I love the closeness, that I can go up to him hug him to me and he’ll always relax into my chest. I love the taste of his skin and of his lips and kiss him every chance I get. Snuggle into that comfortable body and the best thing of all… having every sentiment returned tenfold.
Tonight I’m venturing into an experience only Derek could persuade me into.
Tonight I go dancing… I was to meet him at a bar I never heard of and of course spend 15 minutes preparing myself to step through the door.
The New Kafka had a Salazar’s meet hipsters feel to it but most importantly of all it wasn’t crowed. There was a small dance floor but nothing to brag about. It was … nice and relax.
Viktor a bearded stud of guy who’d been at Derek’s lake cookout was the DJ for the evening. What I didn’t know was that this was a fixed gig of his; you’ll find him here every Friday. The other cool thing about him was the music he played. A great mix going through the music decades favourite by favourite.
I felt like I didn’t want to sit still alone on my chair nursing a drink. I want to dance and I wanted to do just that with Derek.
Though The New Kafka wasn’t in essence a gaybar. No one cares either way. There were mostly only ten of us on the dance floor at any point in time. I can’t really dance… I just followed Derek’s movements.
The fun songs were fun, had us panting for breath. The slow songs were slow, and had us panting for more.
This is the one I want. This is the one I love.
— Derek
I love this song… some songs don’t need lyrics.
Mmmm
Dancing nice and slow, swaying to the rhythm of the music gently… tenderly…
My nose buried in the crease of his neck, by far my favourite place to be. One of those moments I have no qualms with being shorter than most others.
“Babe?”
“Mm?” Shit I love it when he calls me that. It started right after that first kiss. I swear he hasn’t let me go since.
“Will you stay with me tonight?”
What’s he talking about? I always stay the night. There isn’t a better morning than waking up with his arms around me. He’s so much more affectionate than I ever imagined him to be. Holding on to me in his sleep every night.
I lift my head to look up at him.
“Of course I alw — Oh.”
…Oh my… the shine in his eyes relay to me the real question behind the words.
“Yes.”
–
Sleeping at the lake has given me a whole new biorhythm. We wake early, it’s very light inside the tent once the sky brightens outside.
I don’t wake early cause though my eyes are closed I haven’t slept. I feel exhilarated, simulated and refreshed and utterly… utterly loved.
Though we’ve slept together many times, sleeping had always been the main component in that sentence.
Until last night…
I grin involuntarily burying my head in my pillow. Until last night…
My movement causes Filip to hold me tighter in his sleep. His arms crossed across my chest, ever inch of his front pressed against every inch of my back. Skin to skin.
I’ve always been the aggressor in bed, the initiative taker. I fully expected it to be the same with Filip. Him being new to everything, the inexperienced one…
It had started with undressing me; I let him do as he pleased enjoying the attention and the timid thrill of discovery on his face. Touching me, letting his hand slide over my skin, down my back, up my thighs as if recording every sensation and touch to memory.
The cutest moment… when he first touched my prick. Almost hesitant yet thrilled to be able to touch another mans prick for the first time. After that initial moment he proceeded to consume by body.
I liquefied in his hands; every single thing he did, every move he made, every place he touched, every … single… time… his lips made contact with my skin it was to please me.
Ever been the centre of someone’s attention like that?
Their entire being, their entire world focused on you and your pleasure. Their own arousal and thrill caused by the way you whither beneath them, by the way you move and moan and cry out under the guidance of their hands. Its not that you don’t want to reciprocate it’s that you don’t get the chance to. They’re not dominant and you’re not submissive. It’s something all together different…
I’ve always been the aggressor in bed, the initiative taker. I fully expected it to be the same with Filip. Him being new to everything, the inexperienced one…
The reason I’m mostly the initiative taker is because I’m difficult. Yet he made me feel more in one night than anything else I’ve experienced since I was seventeen.
I’m difficult to pleasure. Difficult to cum. It’s always been like that. I don’t know why, I hate it about myself. But you don’t get to choose how you’re made…
I’ve learned to take my own gratification in other ways. Being good in what I do in bed, being able to make a man cum anytime I wanted. Edging it out for as long I chose or at the snap of my fingers. Not controlling in any way just skilled.
I felt anything but skilled with Filip.
I wilted the second his lips engulfed me. Hands holding my very stiff stiffness preforming magic with his tongue…. Ahhhh shiiit…. The only thing I could do was stroke his head and fighting the urge to grip it painfully.
Then something happened that I cannot explain, he did something, a movement, found a certain pressure point or a particular suck technique I don’t know… but waves of pleasure coursed through my body. Making my back arch and thighs tremble.… Oh my… goh…
Once he’d found that certain something he used it to his full advantage like the first time you find a man prostate, the gateway to their ecstasy at your finger tips.
When I came.. I CAME… capitals all the way.
I lay there bewildered, dazed, confused… stunned… hell all the adjectives you can think of I was it. Filip crawled up kissing me letting me disappear into the aftermath. He opened me up tenderly, gently, skillfully… I wasn’t completing aware of it still reeling from the most intense experience of my life, I couldn’t even make sense of what had just happened.
It was painless; it’s never been painless before. How the hell could it be painless! He stops his decent when there isn’t any further to go.
I snap back into the reality of the moment I see the look on Filips face. A face of… of… overwhelmed sensitivity. Eye closed but not crunched, jaw slack, lips parted. Arms trembling but not with the strain of his weight on them.
“How does it feel?” I whisper to him, stoking his cheek he leans into my hand brow frowning. He really needs to concentrate to talk. To even form a single word…
“W-warm… ffeels warm.” That’s all I get out of him, he’s not a talker.
I gently move my hips bringing him back from whatever place he’s floated off to.
I have no idea how long he plays me, yes plays me… like a fiddle. How the hell can a virgin of all people do this to me? Make me question everything I know about my body. Its not difficult with him it’s easy.
By them he climaxes I’m a whimpering mess after my third explosion.
THIRD! Each as different and intense as the last.
I clutch him to me and I’m… sobbing…
I never cry, I can’t remember the last time I ever cried cause you know… boys don’t cry.
But right then clutching his man to me with everything I have I feel so… fragile…
Even felt that way? Laying there with a man after the most inexplicable experience and feel so open… so fragile… so…
Well I never have before and I don’t think I ever will again. All I could do was sob, sob and never let him go.
I’m pulled from my reminisces when Filip stirs waking up. I turn to face him and he kisses me eyes still closed, his lips lingering on mine.
“Hmm I love you.”
I freeze. He does?
“You do?”
“Yes, I wouldn’t have made love to you if I didn’t.”
Oh…shit. “Then doesn’t it bother you that I…”
“What?”
“I’m more experienced? I’ve had boyfriends… Sex for me has always been more physical than emotional.”
“No why would that bother me?” he laughs “I’m glad your experienced. At least one of us knows what their doing.”
“Are you serious?” It felt like he knew exactly what he was doing.
“Babe, you’re exactly what I want, you’re more than I could have ever wished for and it was emotional for you and for me.”
“Yes it was.” It really was…
He rolled me onto my back me kissing me deeply.
“I love you too.”
He just grins at me and dives in and…. Oh….Oh my gohhh….
— Filip
It’s turned out to be a really great warm day. I hear Derek splashing around in the lake take a swim to wash the sweat away…
I’ll tell you one thing though… it was no 36 seconds.
I’m on the hood of my truck enjoying the breeze, enjoying the sun… just enjoying it all.
Until my thoughts are interrupted by the roar of a car driving up. A very unusual happening, I’m always the only one here.
I don’t know if I’m surprised to see Thomas Royer step out of the car or not. Anxious yes, he may be doing better at home but I still have the urge the thump him after what happened to Derek. It doesn’t matter if it was only that one time. It doesn’t matter if it was only a busted lip. It-was-a-busted-lip! It needed stitches!
“What are you doing here!” He yells, man does he looks angry. “This is private property!”
I know it is.
“Don’t worry I have a deal with the owner.” I inform him sitting up.
“I highly doubt that boy.” He doesn’t seem to recognise me, which isn’t surprising I only met the man once and I don’t think Derek ever told him we’re together. It not being his business and at all.
“Who’s that in the lake?” He barks at me.
“My boyfriend.” I calmly reply. Hey he’s on my turf here.
He does a double take before shrugging it off. “It doesn’t matter anyway you’re trespassing.”
“So are you.”
“I know the owner boy, I’m calling the police.”
Is this guy for real? What’s his fascination with the lake anyway? To be honest I can’t suppress a chuckle.
“Go ahead.” I lean back against the glass of the truck. This throws him a bit but Thomas is a man that doesn’t back down even in a foolish situation. He can’t not call.
A cruiser pulls up a few minutes later, surprisingly quick response…
Carlos Swain steps out and nods. “I was passing when I got the call. What’s this about trespassing?” He’s talking to me not to Thomas and its obviously ticking him off.
“Mr. Royer is trespassing.” I told him.
“No! I called you. He’s the one trespassing! ” Thomas yells.
“Dad?” Derek walks up in his swim shorts towel in hand. “What’s going on?”
I see Thomas eyes flicker between us, everything falling into place in his mind. Though he eyes me more coldly his stance doesn’t waver.
“You guys are trespassing on private property!” he snaps. Derek frowns he looks up at me still sitting on the hood.
“What?” He’s confused, I slide of the truck to stand beside him.
Carlos seems just as lost as Derek. “Mr. Royer.” He says carefully. “Filip can’t be trespassing.”
“Why not! He’s parked here illegally!”
“Cause I own it Mr. Royer.” I smile slipping my arm around Derek’s bare waist.
“But the Frederickson’s?” Derek stares at me wide eyed.
“My moms maiden name. I inherited it twelve years ago.” His surprize quickly turns into a grin.
“YOU own it?” Thomas cries out incredulously.
“Yes. And I’m never ever selling. Not only because I’m completely horrified with your plans for it. But because I can’t even if I wanted to. It’s a stipulation that comes with the property.”
Instead of the explosion of rage I was expect to erupt from Thomas I watch him deflate as my statement sinks in. Carlos doesn’t really know what to do so he just stand there as Thomas slumps against his car defeated. I really don’t understand this man. Where is that anger what’s going on with him. Maybe he needs more help than we thought.
“Go home dad.” Derek says softly. “Go home to mom. She’ll be waiting for, I won’t be back for a while.”
Thomas just nods.
‘I’ll escort you.” Carlos nods feeling he needed to do at least something on this bizarre call.
After they’ve driven off Derek thumps my shoulder.
“What!” Ouche… that hurt more than I thought it would.
“Why didn’t you tell me!” He scolds me unable to hide his smile. “I’ve been worrying! Thinking you were going to lose this place if he ever got his hands on it! Worrying!” He thumps me again for good measure. But softly this time.
“I was going to.” Honestly I was.
“When!”
“Today!”
He relaxes “Really?”
“Yes.” I laugh grabbing his waist, pulling him to me. He reaches up to rest his arms around my neck.
“Why today?”
“Cause you have to make a choice.”
“Choice?” He tilts his head like a puzzled puppy. He often resembles a puppy doesn’t he?
“Yes cherry or magnolia.”
“What?”
“For near the house a cherry or magnolia tree?”
He remains silent as the seconds tick by staring at me. I love it when he looks up at me; I love looking down at him especially when he’s in my arms.
“You’re going to build it?”
“Why do you think I’ve been living in a saltshaker for the passed eight years. I wasn’t going to risk a mortgage and now I have enough saved up. I can start construction whenever I want.”
“The house? With the open decked porch?”
“And large windows facing south and the self-sealing stem bolts.” He giggles another sound I love. “I think it would be perfect for the wedding.” I muse.
“Wedding?”
“Yes, I can’t imagine a more fitting location to marry you.” I really can’t…
“Marry me?”
“Yes, right here at the lake where we had our first date. At the lake where I held you for the first time, where I made love to you for the first time… Right here where I want to spend my life with you. You’re the one I want, the one I love.”
He remains silent again for a very long time just holding on and looking at me.
“You know you haven’t actually asked me to marry you yet.”
“I will, with a ring and everything.”
“…and I’ll say yes.”
“That’s good to know.”
Am I happy?
What do you think…
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