Six Months Before
Noah ran as hard as he could, putting as much distance between him and his father as he could. He ran down Shiloh Road, right along its edge, the shoulder too grown up and rough for sure footing. He ran toward the main road, just a quarter of a mile away, with feet pounding heavily on the asphalt and arms swinging wildly. He ran till his lungs burned with the exertion, and his side hurt. By the time he got to the main road, he was heaving for breath, struggling to stay on his feet. Noah wasn’t an athlete, or someone who worked out. He was five foot ten and weighed less than one hundred thirty-five pounds. A skinny kid who was eighteen. And he wasn’t sure he had the strength to endure another month when he would finally graduate.
Noah walked down Highway 143-A, a short highway that came out of the city and ended at the river to the north. Hand on his hip trying to suppress the pain, he stumbled and staggered down the shoulder till he came to the small trailer park. It was nestled among pine and pecan trees, the latter turning the units beneath them black. Finally catching his breath, he made his way into the park walking along the dirt lane, stepping around the mudholes that still held water from the rain of the night before. It was a familiar place, and he saw the unique feature of each mobile home. Mrs. Henderson’s with the wood porch built along its side, ferns hanging from each corner. The Hudson brother’s mobile home, with the old Chevy on blocks, the motor probably still on the dining table being rebuilt. The Matthews, a young couple who had three children already, so their little area was filled with a swing set and toys of all kinds. He noted each feature, picturing the person who had made the rental their home.
Noah got to the end of the main lane and cut across the back till he came to the last one, an old mobile home backed up beside an oak tree. It had a screen porch that was missing half of its screening and a picnic table that he had never seen used. Luke, his best friend, had lived here all his life and had told stories over the last few years how there was a time the picnic table was used all the time and how the screen porch was a place his parents would sit entertaining friends till late in the night; how they had once been a family. But it was over eight years ago, and it all ended when Mrs. Shepherd got killed in a car accident, changing everything for Luke and his dad.
It was Luke’s struggle that drew Noah to him. He still remembered the first time they met. His father had moved them to the community when he was thirteen. It was the second move for his family, and at the time they thought it wouldn’t be the last. His father was the Rev. Micah T. Milstead, of Springfield, Missouri, an evangelical preacher man, if there ever was one. He came to save the Shiloh Baptist Church from their sinful ways. For Noah, he became aware of longings that made him feel shame, longings that his father had decried as evil. He looked at the boys in his class and imagined them in ways that scared him. It was Luke that cut through his fears.
Luke’s parents had been members of Shiloh, but after his mother was killed, his father stopped going. But Luke was still sent to the private Christian school down in the city, the same Noah had been forced to attend. On the long bus rides in the mornings and afternoons, Luke had made the initial effort to be friends, sitting next to Noah, talking about their school and classmates, making him laugh. Over time, Luke grew more defiant of the school’s teachings, and Noah clung to him more, finding the rebellious attitude a strange comfort.
Walking across the porch, Noah wondered how far Luke would be willing to go with his rebellions. Could he accept his friend telling him he was gay?
Noah rapped his knuckles against the metal door and waited. From somewhere within he heard footsteps approaching. The Door swung open and Luke stood facing him.
“What’s the matter? Your dad going crazy again?”
Wearing thick black frame glasses, a stretched t-shirt and jeans cut off into shorts, Luke stood at the door. He was shorter than Noah, five foot six at the most and just as skinny, but he was more confident, and more intelligent, the most intelligent person Noah knew.
“Your dad around?” Noah asked, knowing if Mr. Williams was home it was not a good idea to hang around. Whereas his own dad was constantly finding fault and threatening damnation, Luke’s dad was just a belligerent drunk.
“No. He’s at the body shop and doesn’t get off till five or so and you know he’ll go to the tavern afterward.”
Luke stood to one side and Noah went into the dark living room. It was a mess, with empty beer cans and bottles everywhere, and nothing he hadn’t seen before. He followed Noah down the narrow hall to the first bedroom, the neatest room in the house. Luke fell across his bed while Noah sat on the straight back chair used at the small desk.
“Okay, what’s wrong” asked Luke.
“Dad caught me online and…”
“And?”
“Luke, I need to tell you something.”
Luke sat up, sitting on the edge of his bed facing Noah.
“I…”
“You’re gay.”
“Huh…how did you know?”
“I found your stash of photos in your bedroom a month ago and I’ve seen your search history. You really should delete it, but I guess it’s too late now.”
“Oh.”
“What did your dad see? Anything really incriminating?”
“Naked boys.”
“Shit. What did he say?”
“I’m not sure. There was a lot of yelling and the usual…”
“Hellfire and brimstone bullshit?”
“Yeah.”
“Does it bother you?”
Noah looked at his friend and saw a defiance he never could muster. “Yes.”
“You know we can’t use that book to talk about our humanity, right?”
“Luke, I know what you’ve said in the past but…”
“But, nothing. Those people thought the earth was flat and the egg for reproduction was in man’s sperm. They were primitive in their thinking and had no concept of human sexuality, and definitely lacked an understanding of the diversity of humanity.”
“That’s all well and good, but how do I tell my father that?”
“You don’t. You endure a few more months of his bullshit, keep your head down and this fall you leave this place.”
“I wish we were going to the same university” Noah replied, his tone still sounding defeated.
“I got a scholarship to one college and you to another. That’s just the way of things, but Noah?”
“Yeah?”
“You’ll be fine. You’ll be out from under your dad and can look at all the naked boys you want” Luke replied, smiling.
The Present Day
It was still hot and so humid the air felt wet. And it was still. Not a leaf rustled in the afternoon heat. But summer was coming to an end, for students were arriving on campus, moving into dorms or apartments off campus. The town was a hive of activity as students poured into the bookstores, the coffee shops and the sandwich shop on the main corner opposite of the university. Back on campus, at the dorms for freshman, an old Pontiac minivan pulled into the unloading zone.
Noah stepped out and slid the rear door back. He pulled out his suitcase and a large gym bag as Ruth, his mother came around to help him.
“Hurry up Noah, I want to get out” said Miriam, his younger sister.
“Okay; hold on a minute” Noah replied sliding out a box and setting it on the ground.
Noah stacked his belongings on the sidewalk, willing to risk some stuff getting stolen, if only he could get his mother to leave. The last month had been the worst, with the constant barrage of condemnation from his father while she stood by his side nodding in agreement. He struggled with his love for them, weighing it against their intolerance.
“Hey, man, there are some empty carts inside to help with moving” a guy said as he passed. Noah looked up in time to see him walking away. Lean build, thick wavy brown hair and dressed in a tank top and shorts revealing more body than his mother and father would consider appropriate. He loved it and wished to see more.
“Noah? Go on and get a cart” Ruth interrupted his thoughts as if she knew what they were.
Noah sat on the bed, his things stacked on the floor ready to be sorted and put into their place. He looked out the window at the bright blue sky with a few clouds floating by, then over at the other bed, the covers thrown back from where it had been slept in. Personal effects sat on the desk and were mounted on the wall. Photos, drawings, a poster of a strange building with a thick curving roof.
Notre Dame du Haut Chapel
Le Corbusier
Noah recognized the famous architect’s name but not the building. He didn’t know much about architecture, but the strange dark roof form drew his attention, then the purity of the white walls that appeared to support it with their random pattern of windows. Looking on the desk he wondered about the line of books set across the back side. He stood and went closer in order to read the titles and saw they were books on architectural history, theory and famous architects. He didn’t know his roommate, but he knew his major.
He turned to his own few possessions and began to make the other side of the room is own. He put up photos of his sister and the beach, mostly Pensacola, the closest one to his home and thus the one they went the most. He loved the stark whiteness of the sand contrasted against the turquoise waters. His father often preached of paradise in between his damnations but to Noah, the beach was paradise with the warm breeze coming off the water and the warm sand, so soft and loose it squeaked when you walked across its surface. He pulled out the photos his mother had placed in the box, of her and his father, of the church and reproductions of famous paintings of Jesus, setting them to the side. He pulled out his Bible, something else his mother had placed in the box and set it aside as well. Then he pulled out the books below, novels and historical writings that had meant something to him, and a couple of books Luke had slipped him just before leaving. Books that challenged his preconceptions of religion and what his father preached. He set them on his desk, lined up along the back, with bookends of found things of his youth. An electrical line insulator, the glass having a greyish tint. He had found it at an old barn abandoned for years when Luke had daringly led him inside to check it out. The other a bookend of copper made into the image of a boy in thought, chin resting on his hand and an open book in his lap. He had found it at a thrift store in town and remembered how he had to borrow a dollar from Luke to afford it.
Noah hung his clothes and put away his underwear and socks in the plastic drawers his mother had gotten for him. He took out his new backpack, a gift from the church, and hung it over the back of the chair at his desk. Glancing at his watch, he saw only an hour had passed since his mother had left and he was on his own. He felt the stirring of excitement mixed with an uneasy fear for what lay ahead was an unknown.
Noah had been on campus only two times before and wanted to go exploring. Stepping into the bathroom, he relieved himself then washed his hands. As he rinsed the soap from them, he looked in the mirror. A skinny kid stared back. A white dress shirt and khaki pants, the bulk of his wardrobe. It made him more self-conscious of his differences from the others. He saw how some had looked at him while moving in. The smirks and knowing looks. He’d seen them before, when shopping with his family or in a restaurant, his father leading them in some ostentatiously long prayer. He knew his attired labeled him as a preacher’s son. And he wanted nothing more than to be rid of it. Unbuttoning the shirt, he pulled it off. T-shirt untucked, he tossed the shirt on his bed, grabbed up his keys and headed out to explore it, to find the buildings for his classes which would begin in two days. In the corridor, he saw the door to the room opposite open and two guys sitting on the floor playing video games. One was dark skinned with black hair, with features showing a Spanish heritage and the other was blonde, fair skinned and looked long legged and skinny. He stood staring for too long, knowing he should turn and go.
“Hey, are you in that room?” the dark featured one spoke. and Noah blinked to awareness.
“Oh…yeah.”
“I’m Esteban and this is Jasper.”
“I’m Noah.”
“Have you met your roommate yet?”
“No. Have you seen him?”
“Yeah, he was here not long ago but he came out with his bicycle and headed out for a ride.”
“I guess I’ll see him later.”
“You leaving?”
“Yes, going to walk around the campus.”
“We’ll see you later.”
Noah ambled down the hall, trying not to picture Esteban and Jasper. He knew nothing about them and to start fantasizing about them now was crazy. Instead he let his eyes wander over the other guys, those he met in the corridor and saw inside dorm rooms with doors open. The bare upper torsos and masculine features that made him long for them.
Noah roamed the campus, then sat under a tree and watched other students coming and going. Eyes going to the guys, he looked at their physical bodies. The way jeans curved with round asses or bulged in front. How t-shirts hung on lean bodies or stretched tightly over muscular ones. There were a few in tank tops, and he looked at their bare arms and shoulders. A few with tattoos, several with muscles bulging. Heading back to the dorm, he found himself going into the cafeteria. It was later than he realized, and hunger pains had led him to the short line.
The sun was low in the sky, the day fast coming to an end by the time Noah made it back to the dorm. It was a hive of activity, out front and inside. He moved past others as he crossed the lobby and took the stairs up to the fourth floor, not wanting to wait for an elevator. He passed guys coming down, some with bicycles slung over a shoulder. On his floor he found it noisy as guys moved from room to room. He pulled out his keys ready to unlock the door but found it ajar. He eased inside, pushing the door closed and saw a bicycle in one corner and sweat soaked shorts and shirt laying on the floor. He realized the shower was running and could see steam drifting around the door, it too ajar. Looking through the gap, hoping he could see his roommate in the shower all he saw was the fogged-up mirror.
The water shut off, and Noah raced across the room not wanting his roommate to realize he had been trying to see in. At the window he watched a tag football game, one side shirtless, upper bodies exposed to his spying eyes. In the late afternoon sunlight they glistened wetly and he imagined them against his own.
“Hey, you’re my roommate?”
Noah turned to the voice about to answer, when he lost his ability to speak. Standing outside the bathroom door, towel drying hair, stood his roommate completely naked.
It took only a split second for the image to be burned into Noah’s mind. The lean muscular body, like that of a swimmer or runner. He recognized the build from the boys on his high school’s swim time, each one lean, able to cut through the water and with the powerful arms and legs to drive them through it. This was in front of him with cock dangling loose, casually over the sac. He swallowed hard, blinked to blur the image and desperately sought his voice.
“Y-y-y-each. I’m Noah.”
“Noah, I’m Thomas.”
“I see you got settled in while I was out riding. Do you have a bike?”
“No.”
“Oh. That’s a shame. We could have ridden together. Have you had dinner? Do you…”
“I grabbed something at the cafeteria on the way back.”
“Oh, okay.”
“Next time?” Noah replied, suddenly worried how he was creating this wall around himself, even if it was unintentional.
“Yeah…next time” Thomas replied smiling and Noah couldn’t help but notice the perfect teeth.
Thomas was still gone, having gotten a couple of guys on the floor to go with him to a pizza parlor he had found while riding, when Noah went into the bathroom and overheard the guys next door. Every two rooms shared a bath, and through the gap in the door he could plainly hear the conversation.
“…I’m telling you to watch it.”
“Oh, come on, you act like they’re monsters out to attack us.”
“They are. You want to get raped one night when you’ve partied too much?”
“You’re kidding, right?”
“No, I’m not. Faggots like to fuck with straight boys. Like to rape and…”
“You’re full of shit. What about straight boys who harass girls?”
“That’s different.”
“Jesus.”
Noah listened to the sparring, one side of which scared him, knowing he would have to share the bathroom with someone who he could not be openly gay. Washing his hands, he didn’t notice the silence, no longer an argument going on. The door swung open and two guys stood there checking him out.
“You’re not Thomas.”
“No. I’m his roommate.”
“What’s your name?” the guy holding the door asked.
“I’m Noah.”
“I’m Seth, and this asshole is John.”
“Hey, why do you call me that?” John replied.
“Did you hear yourself a minute ago?” Seth asked, then turning back to Noah, “did you hear our conversation?”
“Not really…just bits and pieces.”
“So, Noah, if some guy on the floor turned out to be a fag…” said John.
“Gay. Damn, John, do you have to be so prejudice?” replied Seth.
“To each his own, right?” Noah replied, trying to control his voice, keep the anxiousness out of it.
“Right. You hear that” said Seth, turning to John. “To each his own.”
“Well…I’m going to…”
“Hey, see ya around” John interrupted, pushing the door closed and Noah could hear Seth and John continue to argue.
For Noah the next few days passed quickly, one assignment after the next requiring his time. Thomas and he settled into a routine, and over long nights got to know each other. Conversation about childhoods, Thomas from Asheville, in the North Carolina mountains, his father a contractor and mother a photographer. He was studying architecture and within days stayed out later and later working on projects in his studio class. For Noah, he revealed as much as he dared, telling of his father the preacher, but avoiding the dogma of the church. To reveal that would open wounds he wasn’t prepared for. He skirted the details of his life. The private school, the strictness of it that made graduates unprepared for college and how he had only one true friend.
Luke and he stayed in contact, doing face chats online and messaging back and forth often. But the distance and rigors of the course work reduced the time from every day down to once or twice a week.
With Thomas gone more often, than not, Noah turned to the guys across the hall for help with assignments he didn’t understand. He felt lost in some of the classes, covering topics the private school didn’t touch on. Once, in desperation when Esteban, Jasper nor Thomas was around, he went next door when he knew John was out. Seth had been at his desk reading when he knocked on the bathroom door.
Seth let him in, inquiring as to what he wanted.
“I don’t understand what this means” Noah told Seth, holding out a sheet of paper.
“What is it?”
“My English assignment; a topic I’m to write a paper on and I’m not sure I understand what it means.”
“What’s the topic?”
“The objectification of…looks…no beauty.”
“Oh” replied Seth, shaking his head. “That can be tough. The basic premise is easy enough, but there is so much nuisance about the issue. Be careful with it.”
“You understand it?”
“I think so. Sit down” Set replied pushing John’s chair over toward him. For thirty minutes Seth describe the meaning of the phrase, giving example after example. When he finally finished Noah was still as a mouse, not moving.
Noah was trying to process everything Seth had told him, all the nuisances of the concept. He had done an outline he now saw was woefully inadequate. There would need to be a new approach.
“Noah?”
“Huh?”
“You still look confused.”
“No. It’s just a lot to take in and I need to start over” Noah replied, then sheepishly he looked at Seth, “thanks.”
“Any time.”
“I should be going.”
“Noah, wait a minute.”
“Yeah?”
“About the other day…”
“It’s okay. Forget about it” Noah interrupted.
“No, it’s not. I won’t say this in front of John, but Noah, the look on your face when John asked what you’d do if someone were gay. You looked scared for a moment.”
“What?”
“Noah, I know your background. This condemnation of anyone who isn’t a certain way. I think you know it’s wrong.”
“…”
“Right?”
“Yes. Seth, I need to go.”
“Okay, and if you want, I can read over your paper.”
“Thanks, Seth.”
For days afterward, Noah wondered why he didn’t come out with it. Just look Seth in the eyes and tell him he was gay, that he liked boys. He wanted to, and several times he stood at the door in the bathroom that opened onto John and Seth’s room, hand raised to knock, then chickened out even though John wasn’t there.
He hung out with Esteban and Jasper, and Chris and Lin, and Pierce from the room near the elevators and whenever he was around, Thomas. He got Luke on a face time or spent ten to fifteen minutes late at night texting back and forth, confessing the things he could not say in the dorm.
He felt it. A pressure inside of him, something about to rupture. At times it was in the pit of his stomach. It would kill his appetite and once, alone in the dorm room, he had leaned over the toilet retching, his empty stomach unable to release anything. Other times it was in his chest. Short of breath, he wondered if a heart attack at eighteen was possible. And always, every minute of every day, it was in his head too. He couldn’t stop thinking of it. In each class he would seek out the guys he felt an attraction and look at them off and on all through the lesson. Walking across campus, he watched them walk in front of him. He looked at their bodies, wondering what it would be like to be muscular, tall, or attractive to the point of attracting attention wherever he went. He wondered what it would be like to be in bed with them, their muscular arms holding him in gentle embraces or pinning him down in some sexual scenario he could only imagine. There was a guy who came into the cafeteria every Monday, Wednesday and Friday when he had his break in classes and went for lunch. There was nothing extraordinary about him. He was average in height, in build, but had a simple attractiveness centered around the simple way he smiled. What attracted Noah to him, he wasn’t sure at first, but he knew the first thing that caught his eye was the dark red hair. A shade of red he’d never seen before. There was one time the guy took the table across from his own, and he glanced up as often as he dared, till he was caught looking. The guy has a tanned skin tone and green eyes, and on that day, the first cool day of autumn, cheeks that were rosy red.
‘Why can’t I just go over and talk to him?’ Noah had asked himself. He sat for a long time after the guy had left, book in hand pretending to read, while he let his imagination run wild with scenarios where he did it.
At the end of September, the last Sunday of the month, Noah was at his desk finishing assignments when he realized the room had gotten darker, then he realized the corridor was unusually quiet. A rumble from outside, an increase in the wind then the first drops of rain hit the window. He went to the window and watched the storm blow across the campus, a line of heavy rain approaching from the south, driving everyone inside.
Within minutes the corridor was busy, with guys coming in wet. The floor stayed quiet, most doors closed, for the weather seemed to set a dark mood over the dorm. Looking across the corridor, he saw Jasper laying on his bed in nothing but boxers, headphones on, reading a book.
Noah had been around Jasper enough to know he wasn’t gay. Jasper was progressive, more so than most, with a father who taught college and a mother who was a psychologist. Like Seth, Jasper was one he knew could be trusted if he ever braved coming out. Someone who wouldn’t judge. Looking around his dark dorm room, Thomas gone all the time, he felt a certain loneliness. Looking back across the corridor Jasper was there, someone to hang out with if for no other reason that to push that loneliness back.
Two quick raps at the door frame, Noah stepped just inside the door. “Can I come in?”
Jasper removed the headphones and nodded, “Yeah, what’s up?”
“Nothing. Just bored I guess.”
“You want to play a game?” Jasper asked motioning toward the console and television.
“Yeah, sure” Noah replied, flipping on the light as he came in.
“Leave the light off. It’s too bright with it.”
Noah stepped back and flipped the lights back off and without thinking, pushed the door closed.
Sitting on Jasper’s bed, the two of them battled through one game after the next. Jasper won most of them, the gaming still new to Noah. They rocked back and forth, elbows bumping and knees pressing together. For Noah, every touch was electric. Each one made him more aware of Jasper, the masculine nature of him, so close, right by his side. When he finally gave up, set the controller down on the bed, Jasper leaned over, bumping their shoulders together.
“Man, you suck” said Jasper jokingly.
“I know. Dad wouldn’t let me have any of these games.”
“You’ve said; must have been tough having everything you do judged in such a black and white way.”
“Black and white?”
“You know, this notion that everything is either good or evil, with no gray area in between. It’s…”
“What?”
“Noah, I don’t want to say something offensive to you.”
“It won’t be.”
“But your religion, most really, need scapegoats. Some group to blame for the evils of the world. It fuels this conceit of superiority. I know they talk of being meek and modest, but it’s not how they operate. Have you heard of Dominionism?”
“I’ve heard the church talk about man having dominion over everything.”
“That’s it. The idea we can do no wrong in nature for it is ours to do as we wish. It’s fucked up.”
“And they tell us how to live and who is worthy.”
“Exactly.”
“Luke has gone on and on about this.”
“That is why they fight against gays marrying. They want to control who can and can’t get married, and those deemed not worthy. Anyone not acceptable is…”
“Considered evil?”
“I think you know more about this than you let on. I can see it on your face now.”
“So, if two women or two guys want to have sex…it’s okay?”
“Of course. Why should anyone else care if it is consenting adults.”
Noah didn’t know how to respond, letting the room fall silent as Jasper put the controllers away, shut off the television and put on music through his laptop. It was some acoustical set, no electronics amplifying the sound, just the simple pluck of strings. He watched Jasper move around the room, then come back to the bed sitting next to him. The long lean legs stretched out, the soft cotton gym shorts with the bulge that he swore was Jasper’s cock head pushing upward. And there was the t-shirt with a hole at the neck and the fabric worn soft with age. Jasper reached for his watch on the nightstand and Noah felt the touch against his knee. He saw how Jasper’s knee pushed over with his reach. The contact it afforded him, the feel of their bodies touching, even if such a small place. He stirred with arousal, wanting so much more.
When Jasper sat back down, watch in hand, Noah leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.
“Oh” Jasper exclaimed, looking at Noah in surprise.
Seeing Jasper’s response, Noah knew he had messed up. It had been a mistake to think Jasper might be willing to go further.
“I-I-I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…” Noah stammered, jumping up to leave.
Jasper grabbed him by the wrist making his stop.
“Noah…wait.”
Noah stopped trying to pull free and turned to face Jasper. “I’m sorry. Please don’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t but Noah…are you gay?”
Tears streamed from his eyes till Jasper was blurry, and he was short of breath. He balled his fist up tight, fingernails cutting into his palms as he struggled with how to respond. Tell the truth and see what happens, how things change beyond his control, or lie, as he had been doing for years.
“Yes.”
“Oh Noah. Sit down.”
Jasper talked to him for a long time, telling him it was okay, just a flirtatious moment and he really wasn’t upset about it. He told of a high school friend who had done the same thing, making the two of them laugh. Jasper knew how he came across, someone who might be willing, but so far, he had not wanted to try it. But he wouldn’t judge others.
“Noah, it’s getting late; you want to go grab a pizza? My treat.”
They went to the small family owned place on the far side of town and sat in the booth till late. They came out to find the rains had stopped leaving everything wet, glistening in the lights along the storefronts. On the walk back to campus Noah talked more openly about the last few months back home, his father finding the images on his computer and how it was Luke he ran to for support. He told of staying at Luke’s place for a few days, then the scene at home when he returned, the constant yelling, with their condemnations and judgments. Then he told of what it had been like on campus, his constant looking at other guys, wondering who would and wouldn’t, searching for someone, anyone who was willing to be his first.
Noah laughed, then looked down.
“What’s so funny?” asked Jasper.
“Nothing. It’s just…I’ve heard John go on about gays several times. The last time he was complaining about how gays had more sex than he did, that they had sex all the time.”
“Why is that funny?”
“I’m still a virgin” Noah replied, looking at Jasper, smiling, but one that was more sad than happy.
The floor of the dorm was quiet, most doors closed. Noah moved to his door, unlocking it. Jasper stood behind him, watching.
“Thomas still not home?”
“No. He has a deadline tomorrow, so I guess he’ll be on campus all night like last time” Noah replied, pushing the door open to his room, it dimly lit by only the lamp on his desk. He started to turn to Jasper and tell him goodnight but found Jasper right behind him, close. A hand went to the center of his back pushing him into the room and he heard the door close.
“Noah, I don’t know if this is a good idea. Not sure if I know how to make it pleasurable, but if you want…I’ll do it with you.”
Noah stepped back, unsure he heard correctly. Jasper stood in front of him, not moving, waiting for him to reply.
“Jasper…you sure?”
Jasper saw Noah’s hesitancy, and he stepped up to him. “Yeah. It’ll just be two guys making each feel good. Right?”
Noah nodded, then smiled.
Jasper began to unbutton his shirt and Noah watched each button get slipped free. He watched the shirt fall open, more and more till chest and stomach were exposed. Unable to hold back any longer, he moved up to Jasper and slipped the shirt from the shoulders letting it fall to the floor. He stopped Jasper’s hands and began to undo his jeans, hands shaking nervously. Noah, pulled the zipper down then tugged them down, dragging boxers with them. He worked them down, helping Jasper step out of them. Looking up, he stared at the flaccid cock in front of him.
Jasper stood naked, too nervous about sex with Noah to get aroused. He worried about what to do, how far to push things. Noah was on his knees right in front of him where he waited for Noah to take the lead. He wanted Noah to show him how far they could go.
Noah put his hands against each leg and ran them upward feeling the soft hairs tickle the palms. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against the smooth skin of one hip. Moving over the skin he shifted to the flaccid cock where he kissed it, put the head in his mouth and began to manipulate it. He tongued it and used his lips to tug on it. It grew in his mouth, thickened and elongated till it filled it. Hands came down on his shoulders, the fingers digging into each. He worked his head along the growing cock till it was hard, no longer flexible in his mouth. It moved slickly through his lips and Jasper gasp, then began to push it deeper into his mouth.
“Fuck…that feels good” Jasper uttered.
The hands on Noah’s shoulders worked their way down his back, tugging and pulling at his t-shirt and he pulled off Jasper’s cock, letting him remove his shirt. He felt the exposure of his upper body, the way the cool air caressed his skin while Jasper filled his mouth. He moved on Jasper with an obsession. Taking another in his mouth, feeling it slide over his tongue and push into his throat. He took every inch and wanted more, for it aroused him the way Jasper filled his mouth. As his lips slid slickly along the hard shaft he reached down and manipulated his own through the khaki pants that suddenly felt confining. He toyed with his growing erection till it pained him the way it was trapped in his clothing.
“Stop” whispered Jasper, but Noah kept moving on his cock. He didn’t want to stop. He wanted to keep going till Jasper filled his mouth.
A hand came to the top of Noah’s head and grasped him by the hair. It tugged his head back.
“Stop…stop Noah, please” Jasper uttered between heavy breathes.
Noah sat back on his heels, mouth open heaving for breath too. He looked up at Jasper, how his lean body looked more muscular, more desirable. He wanted him, sexually, in any way Jasper would relent to him.
“Jasper; don’t make me stop” Noah whispered, each word an exhale.
“Too soon” Jasper replied, reaching down to help Noah to his feet. They stood facing each other, Noah unsure what to expect. What would Jasper want from him? He would do it. He’d do anything in this moment. A hand came to his chin, ran around his neck and pulled him forward where Jasper’s lips touched his own. Jasper kissed him, passionately, and he hesitated for a brief second. Then he returned the kiss. He felt a hand touch his chest, the contact sending shivers up and down his spine. It circled over his chest, raking over one nipple and it aroused him more. Jasper pulled back and stared him as the hand moved down further.
“Noah…I’m not sure…” Jasper stammered as Noah felt the hand touch him, fingers working through the soft cotton fabric manipulating his cock. He was being touched by another, fingers working along the shaft then squeezing the head and he closed his eyes and moaned. The fingers worked his belt loose, undid the button and roughly tugged the zipper down. There was no more toying with him, no more manipulation through the concealment of clothing. The fingers gripped the waistband of khakis and boxers and tugged everything down.
Jasper stooped and helped Noah extract each foot from the jumble of clothing till he too stood naked. His cock angled up hard. Jasper stood and took him in hand, stroking slowly. Noah reached out and took Jasper and together they increased the arousal of the other. Stroked up desires. Increased the need for sexual release. Jasper pulled Noah toward his bed, turned him around and guided him down on his back. He felt the weight of Jasper climb on top; their cocks pinned between them. Then lips press against his own as hands moved down his sides.
The lips moved around Noah’s face, along his jaw till kissing the place just below the ear. Lips took the earlobe, tugged on it, then tongue swirled around it.
“Can I put it in you?” Jasper whispered.
Noah reached between them and pushed Jasper’s cock between his thighs, then brought his knees up while undulating beneath him.
“Yes” Noah exhaled.
Noah felt Jasper’s cock move against him, slide along the skin below his balls till it rubbed over his opening. He pushed against it, working his hips, wanting to increase the sensation of touch, this contact between them. He wanted to feel Jasper touch him there, this place taboo for so many. He wanted it. The cock pressed against him and he wrapped his arms around Jasper and begged him to do it.
Noah shuddered as Jasper penetrated him, pushed through his tightness. It consumed him, the stretching to accommodate Jasper. He could picture it, Jasper’s cock sinking into his body. He imagined the way he was pierced by Jasper, this primitive connection between people. Feet firmly planted on the bed, knees splayed apart, he pushed upward to take it. He felt ever inch that tugged at his tight opening. Hot exhales caressed his neck, hands slid up each arm till fingers were interlaced, and Jasper held him down as cock bore into his depths. When Jasper nipped at his neck he cried out.
“Fuck…fuck me.”
Noah felt the piston of cock in his hole, the inward push and the pull outward. Over and over and over, slowly at first, painfully slow. He sensed every inch that moved within him. It wasn’t enough.
“Fuck me…harder…PLEASE…”
Jasper began to move faster, to shove inward harder. Noah felt the weight lift from his body, and he opened his eyes to see Jasper was on his hands, body hovering above. He looked down the straining torso till he saw the abdomen hammering against his ass, faster, harder, rocking him on the bed. His own cock flopped over his stomach leaving a wet trail. The room shrank around him, nothing in focus except Jasper. Jasper’s naked body, skin glistening wetly in the dim light as it moved over him. Sweat rained down on his skin and it was warm, slick and he pushed upward for more.
The bed began to rock, to squeak in its frame, then the sound of body against body echoed in the small room.
Jasper began to lose rhythm, to shove inward harder, body jerking and shaking, and Noah pushed to take him, every inch as cock flexed inside him with release.
Jasper fell to his side, breathing hard. Noah was still hard, and he took it in hand. He felt cum trickle from his hole as his hand moved slickly along his cock. He shivered when working the head. Eyes closed he didn’t notice Jasper sit up. Shocked at having his hand knocked away, he opened his eyes to Jasper moving over him. He watched the sweaty body straddle his waist. A hand took his cock and held it up as the body moved down to it.
“Don’t move. Okay?” Jasper whispered. “I want to try it.”
Noah nodded, then watched as his cock slowly disappeared. First the head then inch after inch of the shaft. He struggled to hold still with the way Jasper squeezed his cock. The tightness that made him more aroused, so aroused he flexed within the hot recesses of Jasper’s body as it settled on his abdomen.
Jasper began to move, up then down, faster and faster. Noah watched how it affected him. The torso that strained with its exertions. The skin that grew hotter, sweat trickling down it heavier. Leaning back, Jasper braced himself on his legs and he felt the fingers dig into the flesh. There was a desperation to it all. Jasper’s half hard cock flopped around as he moved on Noah’s cock.
Noah held Jasper’s ankles as he watched him move up and down. It pushed him beyond what he thought he could endure. Suddenly, he wanted control. To take charge of their sex, and he rose up, bear hugged the sweaty body and rolled it over on the bed. He moved on top and took each hand, holding them down. Shifting till his knees found their place, he began to fuck. He drove into Jasper, hard, fast, till the bed squeaked in protest once again. He hammered his hips against Jasper’s ass. Hammered against it till his cock grew thicker, harder, and he shoved inward as hard as he could and filled Jasper with his load.
Noah and Jasper showered together, joking around and talking about what they had done. They were playful, teasing each other, unashamed by anything they had done. While drying off, Jasper stopped Noah and gave him a quick kiss, then smiled at him.
“Noah, I really enjoyed it. And I want you to know I have no regrets, but…”
“But you’re not gay.”
“That’s not it exactly. Noah, I like you, but as a friend whom I’d do anything for, but there is someone else who I’m really attracted to. Someone I want to go out with if they’ll agree.”
“Sharon?”
“Yeah.”
Noah smiled at how Jasper felt a need to make apologies when none were necessary. He knew Jasper had met Sharon in one of his classes and there seemed to be some interest in return.
“Jasper, I know. And it’s okay. I understand and for what happened…I’m glad we did it but know it is not what you really want.”
“I’m glad too.”
“And Jasper.”
“Yeah?”
“I won’t tell; I promise.”
“Hell, Noah, tell them. I don’t care. You think I’m the first guy to fuck around with another guy who still prefers women?” Jasper replied, smiling.
“Just the same, I’d like to keep it between us.”
“Okay.”
Noah had done it. Had sex with another guy. It gave him a release from his anxieties. A calming that took away his fears. It had been his first time, and even through it hadn’t been some fairy tale event, sex with the love of his life, it did show him the physical nature that could exist between two guys. The intimacy of being completely exposed, willingly, wanting to please the other.
Coming from class on Monday afternoon, he looked around him in a new way. A bit more confident, and more aware of his surroundings. He wasn’t focusing on one guy in front of him or coming his way. He wasn’t obsessing over guys who were obviously better built, taller, more attractive, attributes he had felt lacking in.
Cutting around Noble Hall, walking among the other students, Noah noticed a guy ahead of him. Backpack on, wearing a white long sleeve shirt with a banded collar and jeans. The jeans were faded and worn just enough to look comfortable in the way no other pants could look. The guy walked with a bounce in his step, head bobbing up and down. Noah sped up enough to get within fifteen feet or so and slowed to the guy’s pace. He had no idea why this one guy. It was just a sense he should follow him.
Noah compared the guy to himself. He was five foot eight, or close enough to eight to count it, and the guy looked a little taller, maybe five foot ten. The shirt was loose and hung long so he had no idea of his build, but it appeared to be lean.
The guy turned once past Severson Hall heading along the walk that angled through the Madison Quadrangle and Noah realized the guy was taking the same path he took when returning to the dorm. He followed him, making the same cut through in Lamberton Hall, wondering what the chances they were going to the same dorm.
Walking along the sidewalks of the Commons, cutting between Madison and Benefield then turning toward Connor Hall, Noah realized the guy was in his dorm. He followed him into the building, across the lobby to the elevator. He lacked the nerve to stand next to him, instead stood just behind him, an opportunity to look without being noticed. Dark brown hair hung over the guy’s head, concealing ears and forehead, nearly concealing the eyes too. Noah saw the casual nature of the guy’s dress, his stance, and the way he didn’t seem aware of anything around him.
The elevator doors slid open and they stepped into the cab. Noah watched him press ‘3’, the floor below his own, and he noticed the long fingers, the ring finger with an unusual ring on it. Looking down he saw the ratty tennis shoes, frayed along one side and how the jeans fell over the top of them, adding to the frayed look.
“What floor?”
“Huh?” Noah replied.
“What floor do you need?”
Noah saw the guy’s face for the first time, with its strong nose and thin smiling lips and blue eyes and …
“You okay?” the guy asked, and Noah felt the heat of blushing at being caught staring.
“OH, sorry, four” Noah replied. “Sorry, it has been a bit tough the last few days with one of my classes” he lied, trying to excuse his inattention.
“I get that. History is killing me. I can’t remember the dates to save my life.”
“English is my toughest. I struggle to write all the papers assigned.”
The elevator door slid open and Noah felt like he’d been rejected, this conversation cut off far too quickly.
“See you around” the guy said stepping out. Noah watched him turn left and disappear as the doors slid closed.
Noah went to his one class on Tuesday morning, then sat in the library till one o’clock working on his English assignment for the next day. Once hunger became too great to concentrate, he put the books back on the shelves, packed up his backpack and headed to the cafeteria. It was later than usual when he finally stepped into the line. Once he had a tray of food, he ambled across the dining room to an open table near the window. He sat facing it, watching others come and go to class and the birds that flew down and back out, snatching up dropped food. And he watched the way shadows moved slowly across the patio area.
“Noah? Hey man, I’ve never seen you here this late.”
Noah turned to see Jasper standing, tray in hand.
“Hey, grab a seat. I had been to the library and so I am later than usual.”
“Did you hear about John?”
“No.”
“He got in a fight last night at some bar in town. Beat up pretty bad.”
“I bet he ran his mouth about something” Noah replied remembering how John had talked about gays.
“That is what Seth said. Not sure, for John won’t talk about it.”
“Have you asked Sharon out?”
Jasper smiled, nodding his head as he chewed his food.
Noah smiled back, “So, you finally did it. Good.”
“We’re going out tomorrow night.”
Noah and Jasper sat for a long time, trays pushed to one side, going over how Jasper had asked Sharon out on Monday and what he planned to do on their first date. They circled around to their current assignments, to the latest about the guys on the floor, laughing and joking around. They were two friends enjoying a casual afternoon together.
Wednesday arrived with the first real taste of winter. The wind blew hard most of the morning, as a cold front overran the region. Temperatures plummeted nearly thirty degrees. The campus looked different with everyone in heavy coats, scarves and caps. Each person concealed within layers of clothing.
Noah left his last class, coat zipped up and hood over his head. He felt the cold against his face. It burned his cheeks and lips quickly became chapped. He saw each exhale as he walked back to the dorm. Up ahead was another guy, wearing a military style jacket and black beanie. He found himself falling into rhythm with the guy, step for step, taking the same sidewalks, the same cut throughs. It had to be the same guy from Monday he thought as they approached the dorms. Across the Commons and into Connor Hall, he followed the guy up to the elevator.
Noah stood slightly behind the guy, telling himself it might not be the same person, but he knew it was. The same sense of dress, with worn and frayed jeans and the military jacket just added to the look. The elevator was taking longer, probably held up by someone, and the guy slipped the beanie off revealing messed up dark brown hair which he tried to straighten with his hand. Noah watched him, trying to think of something to say.
The lobby was warm, too warm for the heavy coat, and Noah unzipped it. It revealed his white dress shirt, something he had not worn since the first day, wearing just t-shirts in his attempt to blend in. Now he was in the dress shirt and khakis and he knew it spoke to his upbringing. He knew how it looked. The son of a preacher. A good boy.
He hated the image.
The doors finally slid open and Noah followed the guy into the elevator. Pressing three, the guy looked to him for what button to press.
“You’re on four, right?”
“Yeah…thanks” Noah replied. He grew nervous for he saw how the guy looked at him, eyes going up and down, then turning to the control panel.
The elevator moving upward, the guy leaned against the wall looking at Noah, causing him to stare straight ahead. He knew the guy was judging him, making an assessment he wished for a way to dispel. The doors opened on the third floor and the guy stepped out, then put his arm back in the doors holding them open.
“Can I ask you something?”
Noah looked up, surprised the guy was addressing him. “Huh?”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Did you come from really religious family?”
A question of the obvious, something Noah had wanted to dispel but knew as long as he wore the clothes from home, unable to afford new, he would wear the costume of a preacher’s son. He knew how he looked. Someone shielded from being out in the sun, body never exposed to it. And the lean body of someone who didn’t do athletics but spent his time indoors, and to this guy, probably imagined him reading the Bible constantly. He wanted to lie, to say no, but he knew it didn’t matter, not really.
“Yes” Noah replied after a long pause.
“Was it tough?”
Noah looked at the guy, wondering about the question posed to him.
“Yeah…it still is at times.”
“I’m Ryder.”
“Noah.”
“Noah. Oh, you really did have it.”
“Why did you ask?”
“I don’t know…well, that’s not true. My parents are really religious and…”
Two guys push past Ryder and get into the elevator. “Come on, Ryder, you’re holding up the elevator” one of them said.
“Oh, sorry guys” Ryder replied, removing his arm letting the doors close.
Noah found Thomas in their room, fast asleep on his bed. He knew there had been a deadline today, and Thomas had pulled another all-night session in the studio. He moved quietly around the room, removing the white dress shirt, keeping his t-shirt on. He pulled out the English textbook and notebook from his backpack intent on finishing the last assignment. Looking over his desk he saw the latest novel he had just started, some Sci-Fi book Esteban had loaned him, and he picked it up too. Easing out the room, he gently shut the door and headed down to the lobby to study and read, letting Thomas rest.
The lobby was divided into three areas. One for watching television and two for students to just sit around talking or studying. Noah went past the guys watching some basketball game through the next area where two groups were in conversation to the last area finding only one other guy there, reading in the corner. He took a seat in an armchair and settled down to do his English assignment. The sound of voices from the other rooms came as a white noise into the room, enough to kill a dead silence that Noah didn’t like. He wanted some sense of others being around him. For a few minutes he replayed the conversation with Ryder in the elevator and how it ended suddenly, interrupted midsentence. He wasn’t sure what to make of it, wondering if they crossed paths again, would he find out what Ryder was going to say?
The sun’s light moved across the floor and up the far wall. The other guy left the room at some point, Noah not sure when. He finished his English paper, gave it a proofread and picked up the novel, ready to get lost in a story. One leg over the arm of the chair, settled down comfortably, he read page after page, the story beginning to take shape.
The sun dropped below the building next door and the room fell into a dim shadowy light. Using the lamp on the side table, Noah didn’t notice, the story having captured his imagination. Nor did he notice another come into the room, move to the sofa across from him. It was the sound of the leather giving underneath the weight of someone sitting and the light of another lamp being turned on that finally caught his attention.
“Oh hey” said Noah as he looked up at Ryder sitting across from him, a novel in hand.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you.”
“It’s okay.”
Ryder settled down and appeared to begin reading but Noah saw his eyes dart his way time and time again, as he struggled to pick up where he had left off. Ryder laid the book on the arm of the sofa and leaned forward looking at Noah.
“Can I ask you something?”
It was the same question as before, but the tone was different. Softer, less sure of itself.
“Yes.”
“You still get along with your family? Do you keep in touch?”
“Well…not really.”
“Did they ever reject you?”
The question was unexpected, not what Noah was expecting. Not with the tone in which it was delivered.
“Rejected? I’m not sure…”
“Huh? Not sure?”
“Well, mom seemed to just ignore the fact I’m….” and Noah froze with the realization he was about to admit to being gay. He looked around the room, unable to look at Ryder.
“You’re what?”
“Nothing…I mean it was just a misunderstanding, but the Rev. Micah T. Milstead isn’t too happy with me.”
“The Reverend?”
“Dad.”
“OH; I see.”
“In the elevator you had started to say something about your own family being religious?”
“Yes…” Ryder replied, the short word dragged impossibly long.
“Well, it can’t be worse than having a preacher for a father.”
The room was silent for a minute, neither looking at the other, but Ryder began to speak, his tone flat, as Noah listened.
“Dad’s a deacon in the church and mom is a Sunday School teacher and…”
Noah looked over and saw a change in Ryder’s expression. The casual aloofness gone, replaced by something sad.
“My sister left home as soon as she graduated from high school. Ran off with her boyfriend up to Tennessee. I was sixteen and…she just left me behind. It got worse. They constantly watched me, afraid I’d leave too, I guess. They talked about Nan in the worse way, saying ugly things, then…”
Noah waited for Ryder to continue, sitting as still as he could, afraid to move.
“Then they would go out and be this perfect couple, this pillar of the community. To everyone else they did no wrong. They didn’t run off their daughter after demeaning her all the time. And they kept firm discipline with me, dad never missing an opportunity to teach me the errors of my ways with his belt” said Ryder, looking up with a stern stoic look. “I ran away when I turned seventeen. Went to an Aunt’s, walking the twenty-five miles to her house.”
“What? Didn’t they come get you?”
“No.”
Noah waited, knew there was something Ryder wasn’t telling him.
“When I saw how you were dressed, I knew. I had to dress like that. Wear that costume. My aunt took me in and although she wasn’t well off, she took me to get clothes. We shopped consignment shops and thrift stores and rummaging through the used clothes, or factory rejects, I found clothing that didn’t make me feel like an alien among my own classmates in high school. I’m wondering about you; do you wear khakis and white dress shirts because you like…”
“No, but I’m not in any position to buy new clothes.”
“Have you ever shopped a thrift store?”
“No. I always assumed the clothes would be no better” Noah replied while considering how Ryder had looked like any other student on campus, nothing out of the ordinary in his clothing. “Ryder?”
“Yes?”
“Why didn’t your parents come get you from your Aunt’s?”
“Mom…” Ryder began, stopping to look Noah in the eyes, “caught me with another boy one day. I thought they would be gone longer and…”
“She walked in on you.”
“Yeah.”
“The Rev. Micah T. Milstead just stopped talking to me for the last few months I was still home.”
“They caught you doing something?”
“No, they found out what I was looking at online. Pictures of boys.”
Noah confessed it, the truth, and he smiled at how relieved it made him feel each time he did so. Ryder smiled at him, shaking his head.
“I knew you had dealt with some of the same shit I had, but I didn’t think it would go that far.”
“But they didn’t kick me out.”
“You think that made it easier for you?”
“No.”
Noah looked at his cell phone and looked out the window at the darkening sky.
“It’s getting late. Would you like to go get dinner somewhere?” asked Ryder.
“Sure, but it’ll need to be cheap.”
“Same here. I know this great little place over his Grand Heights, a real dive of a place but the fried chicken is perfect.”
Noah couldn’t stop himself from smiling. It had been cafeteria food, sandwiches and pizza since arriving. The thought of something different made him aware of his own hunger.
“It’s not far is it? I don’t know Grand Heights.”
“No; walking distance.”
It was an old restaurant, the windows angling outward at the top over a band of stone. The interior bright oranges mixed with browns and greens with a terrazzo floor and wood ceiling. There was a counter along the back and small metal tables scattered around the small dining room. Ryder led Noah to a table along the wall, near the back. Noah had surveyed the room noticing most were older, very few students among them.
“What can I get you to drink?” the waitress asked as soon as she came up to the table.
Once drinks were in front of them, orders for dinner placed, Noah scanned the room again noticing the décor of decorative plates on the far wall. Above their heads was a clock, set in a plastic molding meant to be a starburst.
“How did you find this place?”
“I made mention of being sick of burgers and pizza in front of a professor and she recommended it.”
“Ryder, how do you deal with it?” Noah blurted out.
“Deal with what?”
“The judgments. The condemnations by the…”
“Let me ask you something.”
“Okay.”
“Do you still believe it? Do you accept what they are saying?”
Noah thought of the long conversations with Luke and Jasper, and he found himself shaking his head.
“Why?”
“What?”
“Why? Why do you not accept it?”
“I don’t know…it’s just wrong.”
“Your sense of morality outweighs the dogma of the church.”
“I guess, but still, when they are throwing out their scripture and…”
“Fuck that. Noah, are you referring to Leviticus?”
“Yeah, mostly.”
“No one, and I do mean no one lives to that book’s teachings. And do you remember it ever saying pick and choose the parts to believe and which not to?”
“No, but…”
“But hell, they pick and choose the parts they can lord over others while ignoring the parts that apply to themselves. It’s nonsense. Fucking nonsense.”
Noah could hear the agitation in Ryder’s voice, a push back he had never been able to muster, always afraid of where it would lead.
“Noah, do you realize medical science says human sexuality is fluid. It’s not black and white. Never has been, just the prejudice of people who didn’t understand their own humanity believed otherwise. And now we have some clinging to those primitive notions in order to try to control us, make us somehow not good citizens, undeserving of our rights. They can go fuck themselves.”
The waitress brought their plates, refilled their glasses and Noah saw Ryder relax, the stiffness of his posture slipped away. They ate in silence till about half done, then Ryder motioned for the waitress by holding up his empty glass.
“I’m sorry Noah, I didn’t mean to sound so harsh. I don’t know where you stand on all this, but I’m done with it.”
“I get it. My friend from back home, Luke, he says the same thing you do. He was my salvation when I everything came out.”
“You mean, when you got outed” said Ryder, smiling for the first time in a while.
They walked slowly back to campus, passing the bars and restaurants where other students filled them till overflowing out on the walk. They wove through them, talking quietly about their lives, and all the similarities. Across the main street and cutting across the campus, Ryder moved closer to Noah, their arms nearly touching.
“What time do you get out of class tomorrow?” asked Ryder.
“Ten.”
“I have to go to work at four. Come down to my room, 321, when you get back to the dorm.”
“Why?”
“We’re going shopping.”
“I can’t afford to do that.”
“Can you spare a few bucks, say fifteen or twenty?”
“Yeah.”
“Good, bring it.”
“Hey, wait; you work? Where?”
“At Clifford.”
“Clifford? What is that?”
“The cafeteria located on the other side of campus at the girl’s dorms. It gives me money for living expenses and some spending money.”
“Maybe I should get a job.”
“Well, if you want one for next semester, apply now.”
At the dorm they rode up the elevator with two other guys, all silent, as it climbed to the third floor. The doors slid open and Ryder stepped off, looking back.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Yeah, when I get out of class” Noah replied as the doors closed.
At twenty past ten Noah was knocking at room 321. The door swung open and Ryder stood there in a ratty t-shirt and frayed jeans. It still surprised Noah, how Ryder looked good, no matter how rough looking his clothes. Even this stretched out, frayed and torn t-shirt looked good on him.
“You ready?” asked Ryder stepping out, closing the door behind him.
“Yes. Where are we going?”
“There is a thrift store on the edge of town.”
“How far out?”
“Relax; we’re taking the bus.”
Noah had never ridden a city bus. Had no idea how you paid for the fare or selected the one that took someone where they wanted to go. He followed Ryder down to the corner where a bus stop was situated. They stood alone, no one else at the stop waiting on the bus. After a few minutes he saw it coming down the street.
“How much is it?” Noah asked, realizing he couldn’t stall any longer in asking.
“Don’t worry; I have a bus pass” Ryder replied moving to the place the bus would stop.
The bus was nearly full, mostly blue-collar workers of the town taking it to jobs are returning home after working an early morning shift. Noah followed Ryder down the narrow aisle and sat next to him near the back, another door in front of them. They rode through town then cut through a residential area of old apartments. The bus made frequent stops till it circled back to the main highway from the interstate where it only made one more stop till arriving at the first shopping center. A few people got off and one elderly woman got on, dragging a small shopping cart with her. As they approached the next stop, Ryder bumped Noah on the knee and stood. Noah stepped down behind Ryder at the rear doors and once the bus stopped, the doors swung open letting them step down.
Walking across the asphalt parking lot, Noah zipped up his coat to his neck to cut the wind that blew down it. He followed Ryder across the lot to the sidewalk. Matthew’s Thrift Shop was painted on plywood panels secured to the old metal canopy and underneath fluorescent fixtures, their bulbs exposed, ran the length of the canopy. Inside, the store had a musty smell, of things old and stored a long time. Noah followed Ryder along the front then cutting across the far side toward a section with a sign hanging over it: MENS.
“What are your sizes?” asked Ryder as they walked into an aisle selling mostly jeans.
“My khakis are 29 in the waist and 32 in length. I could wear a 30.”
“And your shirt size?” asked Ryder as he scanned the aisle for the waist sizes.
“Small but I wear medium if it doesn’t look too baggy.”
“Here, hold on to these” said Ryder holding out two pair of jeans, one a faded stonewashed blue the other the dark blue of new unwashed jeans.
“This pair is so new looking” said Noah as he looked at the tag seeing it was a rejected pair by the manufacturer. “What is wrong with them?”
“We’ll check them later but usually it is a leg slightly longer than the other or something like that. Nothing noticeable. Go look at those shirts on that aisle and see if you like anything” said Ryder pointing at the aisle three over. “And Noah, today is half off.”
“Oh, okay.”
Walking to the aisle he looked at the tags on the jeans, surprise at the price, then realizing it was half of that. He moved down the aisle to the section with his size and began to flip through the shirts.
“Let me see what you got” said Ryder coming up with a handful of jeans.
Noah held out the shirts one at a time while Ryder said ‘yes’ or ‘no’ culling them down to a few. Ryder laid the jeans out on the floor to see if their flaws in manufacturing were noticeable. Some had seams that buckled the fabric and he laid them to the side. The one with one leg slightly longer he kept, along with the pair with a pocket sewn wrong buckling the corner. A used pair, faded and worn he laid out, running a hand over the soft denim.
“This pair is perfect; can’t believe someone gave them up.”
On the bus back to campus, Ryder put the faded worn pair along with the shirts in one bag and kept the other two pair of jeans.
“What are you doing?” asked Noah.
“I’m going to fix these two pair of jeans so you can wear them.”
“Fix them?”
“You’ll see.”
As the bus cut through the neighborhoods, backtracking on the route, Noah looked at Ryder from the corner of his eyes. The messy brown hair that still looked good, the sparse beard coming in along the jaw, and the dark brown eyes. Their arms lying parallel to each other he compared them. How his own arm was so skinny, but Ryder’s was lean too, only slightly more muscular, but it was the leather bracelet that caught his eye. The four bands intertwined together, two a braided twist and two simple leather straps. Ryder moved his arm slightly, relaxed his hand on the knee and Noah saw the ring again. It was a tree in a circle.
“Ryder?”
“What?”
“That ring…why a tree?”
“It’s the tree of life” Ryder replied, “a Celtic symbol, I think. I just liked it.”
Ryder glanced at his cell phone then up at the road ahead.
“I’m going to be pushed for time. When the bus stops, I have to run. I’ll catch up with you later, okay?”
“Yeah, no problem. You don’t want to be late for work.”
“Noah, would you like to go out for dinner tomorrow night?”
The way Ryder asked, the nervous tone told Noah this was no simple request. Just one guy asking another to grab food.
“Like a date?” Noah asked before he thought about it.
“Yeah, something like that. I mean if you’re not…”
“Yes Ryder; I’d like that.”
The next morning Noah pulled out the jeans, the first pair he had ever owned and slipped them on. The worn fabric fit snug around his ass and crotch, and soft against his skin where in contact. He pulled out a dark gray t-shirt and plaid shirt, slipping them on. Looking in the mirror he wondered who was staring back out. Although his hair had grown out some, it still had the shape from being cut short. It was the one thing that reminded him of his past. Wetting his right hand, he ran it through his hair. Instead of trying to get it to lay around his head as Ryder’s did, he pushed it up concealing the way it was cut across the front and sides. It stood up messily, sticking out in all directions. He liked it.
When Noah came out of his room, Jasper and Esteban were leaving too, everyone with their backpacks, heading to class. He saw the looks, the way they appraised him.
“You finally ditched those fucking khakis” said Jasper.
“And those white dress shirts. Good for you” added Esteban.
“Yeah…Ryder went with me shopping.”
“Ryder? Who’s Ryder?” asked Jasper, giving Esteban a knowing look, then a questioning one at Noah.
“He lives downstairs on the third floor and we met coming from classes.”
“I see. Well, I’m glad to see this change, now come on or I’m going to be late” replied Jasper, throwing an arm around Noah’s neck and leading them toward the elevator.
The last class was never going to end, or that is how it felt to Noah. The minute hand seemed to be in another dimension, a warp in time, for it barely moved. Every time Noah checked his watch, the minute hand had rotated two or three minutes at most. It didn’t help that the professor had a cold, thus making their voice a flat droning sound making it worse. He couldn’t follow what was being said for the only thing he could think of was Ryder.
When time finally came to end the class, Noah shoved his textbook and notebook into his backpack and raced out of the room. He wove between the other students to the stair down to the first floor. He followed others through the double doors and out into the bright daylight. It was a deception, the visual warmth of the sun, for it was cold, below freezing, and he zipped up his jacket all the way and buried his hands into the pockets. He walked along the familiar path, looking for Ryder. Not seeing him, he slowed then at one point, stopped, worried he raced out too quickly. After a few minutes, with no Ryder in sight, he headed to the dorm, worried something was wrong. Ryder might have gotten sick during the night. He might have changed his mind about their date and skipped class to avoid him. The latter grew in his mind, found purchase with his insecurity. He followed the sidewalks and cut throughs till he found himself in the Commons. Lost in thought on why Ryder wasn’t coming from class too, he didn’t notice him sitting on the steps that led up to their dorm.
Noah had his head down, so lost in the scenarios that Ryder was avoiding him in some way, he didn’t notice Ryder till at the base of the steps where he finally looked up.
“Ryder?”
“Hey, Noah. What’s the matter?”
“I…nothing now” Noah replied, unable to stop himself from smiling.
“Oh…you were wondering why I wasn’t coming back at the same time?”
“Sort of.”
“My last class got canceled. Come on, let’s get inside. I want to show you your new jeans” said Ryder holding up the shopping bag. Noah hadn’t noticed it at first the way it was in the shadow of Ryder’s body.
Noah unlocked his door, hoping Thomas was in his studio and not back for some reason. He opened the door finding the room dark and still, the blinds still closed from where he forgot to open them that morning. Ryder followed him in, sitting on his bed as he tossed his backpack down and removed his heavy coat. Going to the bed to sit next to Ryder, he watched him pull out the two pair of jeans. The first thing he noticed was how the jeans that had been new, with denim dark blue and stiff, now were faded, the denim appearing worn. He took one pair and flipped them over seeing the pocket that had been buckled was torn loose, frayed as if worn loose. The knees were almost white, tread bare, and the hems frayed for both legs.
“They look…”
“Worn? Yep. A trick I learned to do with my aunt’s help.”
The jeans imperfections were not concealed but made more visible, the edges made worn and frayed. Noah ran his hands over the fabric feeling the softness of it.
“When did you do this?”
“Last night when I got back from work.”
“But Ryder that was…”
“I know, but I love to do it.”
“Ryder…” Noah whispered, his hand rubbing over the torn pocket, “they’re perfect.”
“I thought we could rest up a bit and you can come down around six or so and we’ll go out for dinner.”
“Yeah, sure Ryder. I know you must need some sleep.”
“And Noah?”
“Yeah?”
“Do me favor. Wear one of those white dress shirts and khaki pants. It’s just for tonight.”
“Huh? Why?”
“Humor me…okay?”
“Okay.”
At three past six, Noah knocked on Ryder’s door dressed as requested. The white shirt and khaki pants were starched and ironed. The creases were straight and sharp, and he had the tail tucked and the pants belted with his best one. He didn’t know why Ryder wanted him to dress this way, but he assumed they may be going to a nice restaurant. He imaged it all afternoon, unable to sleep.
Ryder opened the door and the first thing Noah noticed was his attire. A black t-shirt under an open plaid shirt and worn, faded jeans.
“You look perfect” said Ryder as he looked up and down Noah.
“But you’re not…”
“Dressed up? No, I’m not. Just humor me, okay?”
“Alright.”
The restaurant was a small Thai place, one that had only been open for about a year. It was in a building that had been a real estate office and the dining rooms were small, intimate, each with their own décor. There were greens, pale blues and rich earth tones. And there were plants everywhere. A grow wall in the lobby, and in each dining room, vines around the walls and large potted plants in the corners. It was an illusion how the rooms felt more like an outdoor patio than an enclosed room.
Noah had never been to a Thai restaurant and he whispered across the table to Ryder his reservations about what to order, how hot some of the food would be and his basic fear of getting something he would not like. Ryder had smiled, asking a few questions about what he liked then ordered for the two of them. He showed Noah how to use chop sticks, the moving of one against the other. It was the first time their hands touched, and Noah blushed as Ryders fingers moved over his own.
On the walk back to the dorm, they walked side by side, Ryder doing most of the talking. Noah listened to his voice, the soft deep tone that seemed to be a whisper even though he heard every word. It was soothing, the way Ryder weaved his words together, never sounding fragmented or jarring to the ear. As they crossed the street coming on campus, Ryder asking him about his family, those he hadn’t mentioned. Grandparents up in North Carolina and down in south Florida. Aunts and Uncles scattered along the eastern states from Virginia down to Florida. Noah told how he didn’t know them well, only seeing them at Christmas if they went to one of his grandparents. They ambled off the main sidewalk cutting through a stand of old oaks in front of the main administration building and Noah felt Ryder’s hand brush his own, then the fingers take his till interlaced together.
“My roommate may be in our room. What about your roommate?” asked Ryder.
“Thomas? Probably up at the Architecture studio. Last night he said he had a presentation due on Monday and it sounded like he had a lot of work to do.”
“Let’s go up to your room then.”
The lobby was a hive of activity, a basketball game on the television with guys on the sofas and down on the floor watching it, cheering one team’s efforts. Ryder pressed the button for the elevator, and they were surprised the doors slid open immediately. No one got in with them and soon they were moving upward, slowly, till the bell chimed and the doors slid open for the fourth floor.
There were guys coming and going, and the noise of televisions and video games and music mixed into a cacophony of sound. Noah led Ryder to his door, slid the key inside the lock hoping to get inside before anyone bothered them.
“Hey Noah? Who’s this?” Jasper’s voice came from behind them.
“Hey Jasper” Noah replied turning to see Jasper in gym shorts and t-shirt and in their door, Esteban in just gym shorts. “Esteban. This is Ryder.”
“Hey Ryder” Jasper and Esteban said in unison.
“Hey.”
“Where have you guys been?”
“Just out for some dinner.”
“That’s nice. Why weren’t we invited” said Jasper, stifling a laugh.
“Later guys” Noah replied, exasperated.
Noah led Ryder into his room, closing and locking the door. He leaned against it for a second, eyes closed, wondering if the guys would leave them alone. Ryder went to the window and looked out into the Commons below, its lighting creating a halo effect. Noah moved into the room, wondering how to act, what to do. The night had been so intimate, and he didn’t want it to end. He was only a couple of steps away when Ryder swung around and faced him.
“Do you really like me?” Ryder asked.
“Yes.”
“Do you know I want to stay with you tonight?”
“…”
“Do you know I want to be with you? To have sex with you?”
“I…was hoping.”
Ryder smiled, then stepped closer. “Hoping? Noah…don’t be so shy.”
Noah grinned as he felt Ryder touch his waist, take it in both hands and pull him forward.
“I wanted you in this costume your parents made you to wear. You know why?”
“No.”
“I want to remove it from you. I want to take it away, free you of it” Ryder whispered as his hand rubbed up Noah’s chest, took the shirt by the collar and pulled it open down the front, popping every button off. Ryder leaned toward Noah, kissed his neck as he pushed the shirt off the shoulders and down each arm till it fell to the floor.
Noah felt those hands come up his stomach tugging and pulling on the white t-shirt. He felt them work up to the neck, grab ahold of it and suddenly, without warning, rip it down the front. The tearing of fabric was loud; the rip was so physical it rocked him on his feet. He felt the air on his bare chest, then soft kisses against the skin below his neck. The hands worked at the t-shirt tugging it down each arm. When it was at the wrists, Ryder used it to bind Noah’s arms as he pulled their bodies together.
“I want you” Ryder whispered as he kissed then tongued Noah’s left ear.
Noah shivered as Ryder held him firmly, their bodies pulled together tightly. Lips moved over his neck and along his jaw till pressing against his own. He felt a push against his crotch and unconsciously pushed back growing more aroused by the second. Then the hands released their hold, the t-shirt fell to the floor and Ryder went down in front of him.
He watched Ryder kiss his stomach while undoing his belt, He felt the loosening around his waist, then the tugging as the belt was pulled loose. He watched Ryder take the button of his khakis in his mouth, working to take a firm hold. Ryder’s head jerked back quickly, and he watched him spit out the button. His khakis were looser with the waist band undone. Ryder tugged the zipper down a few inches then grabbed each flap and with a strength and determination that shocked Noah, Ryder ripped the sides apart, tearing the zipper open and ripping fabric down to the right thigh. He didn’t stop, and Noah watched as the right pant leg was ripped all the way down as Ryder kissed his stomach just above the waistband of his boxers.
Noah inhaled as Ryder kissed downward, over the boxers, touching him above his cock, then against the base of it. He held his breath as those lips moved along the growing, thickening shaft then wrapped around the head, drawing it, wrapped in wet cotton, into Ryder’s mouth.
“Fuck” Noah uttered, a word he rarely used. It slipped out with forethought, the only thing he knew to say as the left pant leg was ripped down its length and Ryder’s tongue worked through the fly till it was raking along his cock.
Ryder tossed the remnants of the khakis across the floor, discarded like trash. Noah watched him reach up, rubbing hands along his sides. They moved over his bare skin, circling around his chest then stomach. The right hand came upward and pinched his nipple making him shudder. The left tugged on his boxers till pubic hair was visible and his hard cock was the only thing preventing them from easily sliding down. Ryder ran his nose through the hair, this kissed the place just above the base of his cock. He wanted them off. He wanted to be naked for Ryder.
“Ryder…get them off.”
Ryder grabbed the boxers at the fly and torn them in two, freeing Noah’s cock. It sprang out hard, curving upward. Ryder wrapped his lips over the head and sank half of it into his mouth as he tore at the boxers again, leaving shreds hanging around Noah’s waist.
Noah watched Ryder take him. Inch after inch disappeared through those lips till Ryder’s nose pressed into his abdomen. He braced himself by holding onto Ryder’s shoulders. He was dizzy with his lust; this aroused state that made him want so much more. The frayed torn fabric of his boxers tickled the skin where they hung around his waist. The hot wet mouth on his cock, and the lips that dragged up and down its length made him feel his sex. His masculinity and the aching desire of his hardness.
Noah began to work his hips, pushing cock into Ryder’s mouth. He grew harder, more aroused, not sure he could hold out much longer. Then he felt cool air on his cock and opened his eyes to see Ryder standing.
A hand on the back of Noah’s neck, the pull forward and Ryder’s lips pressed against his own. Ryder pushed up against his naked body, the soft fabric of clothes against his skin made him feel his exposure. He felt a gently push back and he let Ryder walk him back to his bed, guide him down on it. Ryder stood between his legs and removed his shirt, one button at a time, slowly revealing his chest, then stomach. Noah looked at the bare torso, lean but muscular. The small dime size nipples and how they sat high on each pec. His eyes traveled over the chest and down the flat stomach till he was watching Ryder’s fingers work the button loose, tug down on the zipper and slide jeans and boxers down his legs. When Ryder stood back up, Noah looked at the cock that was half-hard, starting to angle upward. He wanted to touch it, to feel it within his hand…or his mouth…or…
Noah didn’t know what to expect but he was still surprised when Ryder climbed over him, straddled his waist and held his cock up. He watched Ryder ease down and felt the press down on his cock, then the tight squeeze as the head breached Ryder’s opening. He struggled to hold still as his cock disappeared, inch after inch, squeezing through the tightness till enveloped in the hot depths of Ryder’s body.
Noah clawed at the blankets, then Ryder’s thighs as the bed rocked and squeaked in protest of Ryder’s movements. Getting faster and faster, Ryder rode Noah roughly.
Noah closed his eyes and dug his fingers into the flexing muscles of each thigh as he felt the movement on his cock. The way the tightness of Ryder’s opening slid up and down it, making him more and more aroused. It went on and on, this manipulation of his cock till he couldn’t take it. Sitting up, he hugged the sweaty body to his own and rolled it over onto the bed. He moved between the raised knees and plunged back into its depths. He pushed all the way as hands moved up and down his back.
“Fuck me…fuck me harder” Ryder pleaded as Noah hovered over him working his hips as fast as he could. The sound of bodies smacking together and the bed squeaking in protest echoed in the room.
Noah felt the strain of his exertions, the way it made him feel feverish, his whole body on fire. He heaved for breath and grunted with every shove inward. Fingers dug into his sides and Ryder’s pleadings urged him on. He thrust with his hips till muscles burned and sweat rained down on Ryder. Then he shuddered as he jammed his cock into Ryder, flooding his depths with cum.
Their sweaty bodies were lying against each other as Noah lazily toyed with Ryder’s leaking cock. It was hard and wet, and he raked his fingers over the head making Ryder shiver.
“Do me?” Noah whispered.
Ryder rolled Noah onto his stomach and straddled his thighs. He felt the wet cock rub along his ass, then push between his cheeks. Reaching back, he spread them opening himself to Ryder. The cock touched him, pressed against his tightness then stretched him open. It pushed into his hole slowly, inch by inch and he felt it, every inch. Ryder wrapped an arm around his neck and held him tightly as he took the last inch and felt hips grind against his ass.
“You have all of me” Ryder whispered into the back of his neck, then lips touched it, moving around till tugging on his ear. He shuddered as tongue swirled around the ear and cock was pulling outward, tugging at his tightness. Their slick bodies slid against each other and he reached back and held each flexing thigh that was driving cock back into his depths. They undulated in sync, two bodies moving as one, locked together. Ryder fucked slowly, almost painfully so and Noah felt every touch. He felt the arm around his neck flex, tighten up then loosen. Hot breath caressed his skin as lips moved over it. He couldn’t take it, his own cock hard again, pressed into the mattress.
“Fuck…Ryder, fuck me, harder…HARDER” Noah pleaded, and he felt the weight of Ryder lift from his back. Hands were on either side of his head and he clung to the wrist of each as he felt Ryder’s hips smack against his ass, faster and faster. Cock piston in his hole at a brutal pace and he begged for more.
It went on and on, and nothing but their fuck was real. Noah didn’t know how loud they were, didn’t comprehend the noise they were making. The protest of the bed or the sound of their bodies smacking together. He only knew Ryder was on him…in him. He didn’t want it to stop.
Ryder bellowed, cried out, as he ground his hips against Noah’s ass, pushing against them trying to get deeper inside his hole. Noah felt the way he shuddered, and cock flexed in his hole and knew Ryder was releasing inside him.
When Ryder rolled to his side, Noah flipped over and took his erection in hand. He wanted to get off again, so aroused he couldn’t stand it.
“What are you doing?” asked Ryder.
“I want…to come…again” Noah uttered between breaths.
Noah’s hand was pushed off his cock and he watched Ryder move around and take him. He felt the lips that raked down his wet shaft and the heat of Ryder’s mouth. He watched Ryder move up and down on him till he was ready to cum again. Clutching at the blanket, head thrown back with eyes closed, he came, filling Ryder’s mouth with his load.
Ryder stayed with Noah, snuggled up close, warming his bed in such a comforting way he didn’t want morning to arrive. He lay on his side and Ryder nestled up to his back, an arm coming over his side hugging their bodies together. He laid awake for a long time listening to Ryder’s steady breathing, and the occasional soft snore. Then his own fatigue pushed him down into a deep sleep.
There was a noise in the room, some stirring around, and Noah feared to open his eyes. Ryder was up against his back holding him and he knew it wasn’t him that was stirring around. He eased his eyes open and saw Thomas standing next to his own bed wearing boxers and drying his wet hair with a towel. Noah gasped; suddenly aware Thomas had found him in bed with another guy. Thomas turned toward him and smiled.
“Good morning.”
Thomas had said it so casually, Noah thought he must be dreaming. He looked at Thomas to see if the expression on his face matched the tone of his voice.
“Hey” Noah uttered. “You just getting here?”
“No, I got in around three this morning and got some sleep. I’m going to grab breakfast and head back.”
“Oh…okay.”
“Noah, relax. It’s cool. Just don’t do anything while I’m here” said Thomas, winking at him.
“Yeah, I won’t.”
Ryder stirred and an arm stretched out then Noah felt him kiss the back of his neck.
“Ryder! Wake up. Thomas is here.”
“Huh? Oh.”
Thomas laughed as Ryder sat up.
“Hey Thomas, I’m Ryder.”
“I know. You’re on the third floor.”
“HUH?” Noah exclaimed. “You know Ryder?”
“Not personally, but Craig across the hall is in my studio and he told me he saw Ryder with my roommate. One plus one equals two” Thomas replied as he pulled on jeans. He pulled out a t-shirt and slipped it over his head. Grabbing up his coat, Thomas headed toward the door. “I’m out of here. You guys enjoy your day.”
For the remainder of September and the next month, Noah’s relationship with Ryder developed. There were long lazy Saturday or Sunday mornings in bed, walks into town for lunch or dinner, or a night out with some of the guys, eating pizza or burgers and joking around about the antics of the dorm. After one hectic deadline, Thomas and Craig went with the guys to a diner, all of them crowded around two tables pushed together. Noah found himself going through the days with a contentment he had not felt in a long time.
Looking around the table, conversations going on all around the table, Noah realized he also felt normal. There was no shame about his relationship with Ryder, the two of them sitting together. It wasn’t a normal that most thought of, something that didn’t exist. It was a normal where different people found their similarities and celebrated their differences. The diversity among them considered the norm, despite what some would have you believe.
Back in September, on a rainy, gloomy Saturday, Ryder at work and Thomas at the studio working on a project, Noah had his old sense of loneliness well up. He knew it was irrational, but also knew it arose due to his calling his mother the night before. He had called only once before and endured the silences then ramblings about how he should be behaving. But the call the night before was different, ending with him hanging up on his mother. There were the old judgments, damnations he could not stand to hear, knowing how wrong they were, these ancient notions by people who didn’t understand their own biology nor the world they lived on. Sitting on his bed, he dialed his sister. She had noted her number in his birthday card, and he touched each number, nervous about talking to his own sister after such a long time.
The phone rang four times and he was about to end it when a familiar voice answered.
“Sis…it’s Noah.”
There had been a silence that went on far too long, then he heard her say his name, followed by so many questions. They had talked for over an hour and before hanging up, he told her of Ryder. Her reply still echoed in his mind. The surprise, the question about what their parents knew then the support he had been seeking.
November arrived, and with it the pressure to keep grades up, or improve them. Noah and Ryder spent afternoons in the library, a place that forced them to study, then Ryder would go to work and Noah was continue with his studies or hang out with some of the guys playing video games. About two weeks before Thanksgiving, Thomas came in carrying a wet umbrella and his backpack. Umbrella tossed into the shower and backpack on his desk, he pulled out the mail. Noah rarely got anything and was surprised by a letter being tossed on his lap.
“You got mail” Thomas uttered as he stepped back to his own bed and fell back on it.
Noah picked it up and recognized the neat writing. It was his mother’s, and he tore the top open and pulled out the single sheet of notebook paper. A check fell out and he glanced at it, seeing it was for twenty dollars. Opening the letter, he saw it was only a couple of paragraphs. The first was the usual salutations, hoping he was well and doing good in his classes. But the second took his breath away. They wanted him home for Thanksgiving and she would come get him the day before. They wanted him to come to church and ask for forgiveness. He was sinning, but they knew they had to love the sinner, not the sin. The whole condemnation was impersonal. It could have been addressed to anyone. That is was to her own son, made it worse. She went on about the mistake of letting him go to such a liberal college and its evil teachings, and they should have forced him to go to a good Christian college like the one in Pensacola, and they could drive down and see about him enrolling next year. Tears formed in his eyes as his anger grew. He wadded up the letter, throwing it across the room. He didn’t notice how Thomas watched him in shock as he picked up the check and tore it till tiny pieces filled his hand and he let them drop to the floor. Rolling over, he faced the wall, struggling not to let Thomas hear him cry.
Thomas slipped out of their room and standing in the corridor called Ryder.
It was twenty till twelve that night when Ryder knocked lightly on their door. Thomas let him in and stepped out letting them have a few minutes alone. When he returned Ryder lay next to Noah, the two of them quiet. Thomas left the next morning early, heading back to the studio, and Ryder stirred awake.
Noah woke to Ryder kissing the back of his neck, holding him tightly. He snuggled up to him then turned to his back.
“You okay?” Ryder asked.
“I will be once I write her back.”
“Noah, don’t do anything you’ll regret.”
“That is why I have to write her instead of calling. I can’t talk to her, not with her like this.”
“What are you going to tell her?”
“Not to bother coming up for I’m not going home for Thanksgiving.”
“Maybe that is all they need. You not to be there on important holidays when families normally get together.”
“It won’t matter. They’ll just dig in harder and make it all my fault. But I don’t have to deal with it.”
Noah took Ryder’s hand and moved it down his chest, over his stomach and to his crotch.
“Ryder? Do me” Noah whispered.
Ryder sat up and removed his shirt, tugged off his jeans and boxers and lay up next to Noah. He pushed Noah’s boxers down and using his foot pushed them off. He snuggled up to Noah, pushing his growing erection against Noah’s ass.
Noah rolled to his back and took Ryder in hand as he leaned up kissing him. He stroked Ryder till he was hard, then guided him to move on top of him, and slip between his raised knees. He guided Ryder to his opening and urged him on, begging him to put it in him.
Noah felt the familiarity of it, Ryder’s penetration of his body. The hands that roamed along his sides, or held his chin while lips pressed to his own. The soft exhales that caressed his skin and the light nips that sent shivers down his spine.
Ryder pushed into Noah, gently, slowly, then worked his hips against him. Noah pushed against the headboard while arcing his back, pushing his ass to take all of Ryder, every inch. He wanted Ryder inside him, all the way. He wanted to feel pierced by Ryder.
Noah moaned when Ryder grabbed one leg and twisted his body, pushing into him in a different angle. Each push inward hit something inside him, made him more aware of this penetration. His own cock flexed and drooled pools on his stomach.
Then Noah’s arousal became too great. He sat up, pushed Ryder over and climbed over him. He sat on Ryder’s cock, took every inch and rode him hard. He wanted to feel his body ache with exertion. He wanted his muscles to burn. He held Ryder down and kissed him roughly. He moved his ass up and down faster and faster till Ryder’s grunts echoed in his ears. Sitting up, leaned back, he stroked his own cock till his hand was slick. Sweat trickled from his hair and beaded up on his chest. The room grew hot and smelled of their sex. The exertion of bodies till sweaty.
Noah came first, his body shuddering with every ejaculation as cum splattered Ryder in the face then thick ropes covered his chest. He kept up his brutal pace, up and down Ryder’s cock, while his cock ejaculated every drop of his release. Then he felt Ryder shoving upward while fingers dug into his thighs.
“Fuck. I’m coming” Ryder uttered as he shook with release.
They showered together and lounged around the room in just boxers. Noah finally took out a sheet of paper and wrote a reply to his mother. He kept it short, devoid of emotion. He didn’t plead for her understanding or her love. He merely told her not to come up. He wasn’t going home.
The guys were seating around two tables, beer and drink glasses drained, and plates empty except for the occasional pizza crust. They had two weeks before final exams, then they would have graduation. Around the table sat Noah, Ryder, Seth, Esteban and Jasper. Although they had another year to go before obtaining their degree in Architecture, Thomas and Craig rounded out the table. It had been a lifetime crammed into the last four years. For Noah it had been an awakening, a salvation from the demon haunted world his parents occupied. He had not seen them since that Christmas of his first year, the last time he tried to hold their family together, only to be disappointed once again. He had Ryder, and they were moving to Atlanta to begin their careers. Seth and Esteban were going to other cities, but Jasper was moving to Atlanta too, for that was where Sharon got her job offer. Thomas would be interning in Atlanta and could take a full-time position next year. He didn’t know where life would take his friends, but for now, they were all together, a group of guys that he considered family.
Noah and his sister were in constant communication, spending some holidays together since she had left home. She was his blood relation, the one family member left to him after the dogma of the church tore them apart. Noah often wondered when he had the dorm to himself, Thomas in the studio and Ryder at work, what life would have been like if he hadn’t met the guys. None more so than Luke of his childhood, then Jasper and finally Ryder. He wondered how much guilt he would have been forced to carry, knowing he was free of it. Free to live his life with those important to him. Those that supported him, loved him, and gave him a sense of contentment.
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